I am not a smart person (understatement of the centuryyyyy), but I do know what danger is. Danger is buying $0.49 sandwich from a gas station convenience store. Danger is looking at a questionable dick and thinking ‘I’m sure that’s just an ingrown hair’. But the most dangerous danger of all is coming between two crazy-ass unstable booze-guzzling gayelles! Taylor Swift must be feeling brave after buying that leather jacket, because she dared to spend yesterday hanging out with Michelle Rodriguez’s current partner in coochie-cuddling, Cara Delevingne. Damn girl, you might wanna call Mercy General and tell them to set aside a bowl of lime jello for you, because if Michelle ever sees these picture of you squiring her woman around town, she’s going to put your ass in the hospital.
Then again, I’m not completely sure Michelle knows how to operate a computer (or as she calls it ‘Not A Booze Dispenser‘) so Taylor might be safe. But still! I can’t get behind a home depot-wrecking hussy. And yes, I know that Taylor isn’t trying to fuck Cara; they were just going out for sushi and doing a little shopping. But you never know with that shady butterscotch sundae; everything is a potential break-up song (“Is this light bulb broken? GET MY GUITAR”).
And I would have done n-e-thang to see the look on Taffy Sinclair’s face when she saw what Cara was wearing on their friendship date. “Did you need some more time to get ready? You’re ready. Sorry Cara, but I can’t Instagram us doing super cute things if you’re not looking super cute. Gosh, friend collecting is so difficult these days.”