When the video of a Florida flower going full Michael Douglas in Falling Down on a McDonald’s went viral, the police in St. Petersburg, FL told the local news that they knew nothing of it and I figured it was another Jimmy Kimmel production. But the St. Petersburg Police Department didn’t know anything about it at first, because it actually went down at a McDonald’s in Pinellas Park, FL, and it didn’t happen on Monday as the video’s description claimed, it happened on March 24th. MyFox Tampa Bay says that the woman who destroyed that McDonald’s and only stopped for a soft-serve break is 41-year-old Sandra Suarez and she was arrested and charged with criminal mischief and resisting arrest. Sandra says that she didn’t tear that McDonald’s apart, because she was high on bath salts, meth or the caffeine you fill your body with when you drink a large Coke. Sandra says she’s bipolar and had a manic episode. She doesn’t remember one second of it.
Eric Stevens, the McDonald’s night manager who was on duty that night, told WFLA that it all started when Sandra offered him a blow job in the parking lot and he turned her down. When he turned down her beej offer, she went inside ‘Murica’s Church of Nourishment and tore that shit to shreds and filled her mouth with some delicious soft-serve. When the cops arrived, Sandra went after them and tried to grab the cop’s crotch. Before she was taken to the police station, she was checked out at the hospital and no drugs or booze were found in her system. She was later released on $7,000 bail.
Sandra told reporters that she takes meds for her bipolar disorder and after living in Florida for 15 years, she may go back to Colombia if her kids get shit at school for the video. The owner of the McDonald’s in Pinellas Park fired Eric Stevens and the employees who uploaded the video of Sandra’s manic episode onto the Internet.
Eric Stevens is the one who should be arrested, because he’s the one who started this all by turning down a blow job. Who turns down a blow job? Answer: 98% of the dudes I offer one to on Grindr.
Sandra shouldn’t feel bad, because who amongst us hasn’t wanted to guzzle down some soft-serve in between destroying a McDonald’s? Besides, Kirstie Alley is going to do the exact same thing 10 days into her Jenny Craig diet.