Seen above doing the “Ahs so happy I’m getting a rectal exam” pose, 53-year-old Julia Louis-Dreyfus took off all her panties for the cover of Rolling Stone. Julia Louis-Dreyfus is the star of Veep, a show that I want to tongue fuck behind a Denny’s, because it is highly educational and makes me want to be a better curser. But the cover of Rolling Stone gave me a reason to hate JLD and the interview gave me ANOTHER reason to hate her.
I hate JLD, because she was gifted with a glorious pair of ass dimples. Ass dimples are built-in cum cups and who wouldn’t want those? You know you’re one of our creator’s special creatures when you can tell your piece, “Fill those holes with your dick spackle, bitch,” while he’s hitting it from the back. And if your piece’s name is Jon Gosselin, he can go balls deep into one of your butt dimples. Butt dimples are a rare gift. So I hate JLD because of that. I also hate her because she’s a billionaire who won’t admit she’s a billionaire.
When Rolling Stone asked about her father’s firm, the Louis Dreyfus corporation, which had holdings in energy, soybean-crushing plants and real estate – and recently donated $1 million to help eradicate voter suppression – she clarified that it’s her father’s business that’s valued in billions. “I’ve been attached to that,” she said. “It’s unbelievable, because whatever I do, people just assume it’s true. Welcome to the fuckin’ Internet.”
Okay, so JLD might not have Oprah money YET, but she’s still an heiress to a billion dollar fortune. So she should’ve just shrugged and said that yes, one day she can buy us all with cash and yes, we should also be jealous of her, because she can make her doggy-style sex times extra romantic by sticking skinny taper candles in her ass dimples.
And I take back that rectal exam comment. She’s obviously making a, “Don’t hate me because I’ve got butt dimples,” pose. And I do hate her for that.