Beyoncé Is Back To School You On Being A Sessy Feminist

April 8, 2014 / Posted by:

Since feminism didn’t truly exist until Beyoncé discovered it, Beyoncé has once again put on her smart lady glasses (a lensless pair of Sallys) and batik-print caftan to conduct an interview with OUT magazine as her alter-ego, associate dean of women’s studies Dr. Sasha Fierce-Byrnstein and speak about feminism and sexuality. She must be currently re-writing Our Bodies, Ourselves (new title: My Body, You Wish) because she has a lot to say. Firstly, Dr. Fierce-Byrnstein would like you to know that singing about riding Joe Camel’s surfbort dick is the reason you now feel comfortable enough to consider buying a vibrator:

“I’d like to believe that my music opened up that conversation. There is unbelievable power in ownership, and women should own their sexuality. There is a double standard when it comes to sexuality that still persists. Men are free and women are not. That is crazy.”

She then goes on to say that regardless of whatever arbitrary job you have, you can still hold your head high and fuck like you’ve got two new bottles of lube and no neighbours:

“You can be a businesswoman, a mother, an artist, and a feminist — whatever you want to be — and still be a sexual being. It’s not mutually exclusive.”

But it’s not just women who benefit from Beyoncé’s discovery of feminism and equality (start writing your Thank You letters to Beyoncé now, gay people):

“Being that I am a woman in a male-dominated society, the feminist mentality rang true to me and became a way to personalize that struggle…But what I’m really referring to, and hoping for, is human rights and equality, not just that between a woman and a man. So I’m very happy if my words can ever inspire or empower someone who considers themselves an oppressed minority.”

TL:DR: “You’re welcome, everyone. You can start naming universities after me now.”

Look, I’m really happy that Beyoncé discovered feminism and equality, I truly am (I’ll take a 20 Beyoncés over another Kirsten Dunst) but I CAN’T with the way she believes she’s created this radical, unheard-of theory. Every time she opens her mouth, she ends up sounding like your hippie college roommate the day they discovered the Diva Cup.

Here’s more of Dr. Sasha Fierce-Byrnstein after she took off her glasses and put on a ratty white wig to become her third alter ego, slutty Carol Channing:

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