Kirstie Alley Is Going Back To Jenny Craig And She’s Bringing Xenu With Her

April 7, 2014 / Posted by:

Liz and Dick. Brad and Angie. Satan and Pimp Mama Kris. There have been many great Hollywood love affairs, but none more passionate and everlasting than that of Kirstie Alley and Jenny Craig. Kirstie left Jenny 7 years ago to start her own Xenu-approved weight loss barley water, Organic Liaisons, but it sounds like she’s been spending those last 7 years weeping “I wish I could quit you” while clutching old Jenny Craig pay check stubs, because she’s come crawling back to reclaim her position as bottom bitch.

The Ghost of Lindsay Lohan’s Future told People that she decided to return to Jenny Craig after gaining 30 lbs in the past six months, and needed some help from a coach to lose the weight. And because she doesn’t want to fully admit that Organic Liaisons is a pile of Scientolo-shit that doesn’t do much more than line the pockets of Tom Cruise and David Miscavige’s daisy dukes, she’s bringing along some OL supplements to help her lose weight. And by help her lose weight, I of course mean she’ll use a box of OL supplements to help steady the wobbly leg of the table she’s lying on at Dr. Dan’s Cheap n’ Discreet Lipo Clinic.

I don’t even know what I’ll eat for dinner tonight (“Sure honey” – one of the dozens of boxes of Kraft Dinner sitting in my cupboard) but with full confidence I can predict what will happen here. By using the measure of probability (ex: the John Travolta Masseuse Theorem) here’s what will likely happen:

– Kirstie will lose 30 lbs
– To which she will then appear on a daytime talk show in a bikini
– Kirstie will then film a single season of a reality show or sitcom
– Show will get cancelled
– Kirstie will seek the comfort of cookies and gain back 30 lbs
– Start again at the beginning

This will continue for the next 40 years, or until science has developed a magic system to keep weight off and/or keep crappy TV shows from ever getting cancelled. The End. Throw that in her Wikipedia page and call it a day.

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