Naomi Campbell Might Be Bumping Her Bitchy Bits Against Michael Fassbender

It was my understanding that Naomi Campbell’s snatch didn’t get out of bed for anything less than the $10,000 dick of a billionaire, but it appears that even the clickety-clackiest of gold digging can’t resist the siren sound of Michael Fassbender’s trouser kraken. According to The Sun (via The Daily Mail) Naomi has downgraded in the dollar department but upgraded in the dick department (“Where might I find this wonderful department store you speak of?” – MK) because she might be hooking up with The Hammaconda’s huskier German cousin, Das Assbender, after the two were caught “canoodling” (not my words, never my words):

A showbiz insider told the paper that the pair were in a cordoned-off area within the members area of the restaurant which gave them plenty of privacy but the pair didn’t mind being seen together and were being openly affectionate towards one another.

“At one point they ever started snogging” the source reveals.

First canoodling, then snogging?? Let me guess what happened next: those two randy slappers shagged in the toilets like horny corgis while the Queen waved to them from Buckingham Palace.

Normally I’d advise anyone thinking of sticking their fuck parts in Naomi to reconsider, because there’s no bitch like a crazy bitch and Naomi wrote the book on crazy bitching at an expert level. But I think Fassbender can handle himself. Anytime she goes to throw a phone at him, he can use that giant dick of his like a cricket bat and swat them away, and if his dick ever wants a break from the crazy it could always put on a Vivienne Westwood heel and scare her ass away for a bit.