Long before The Hammaconda was making v-holes and b-holes howl during pap walks, it accompanied its owner Jon Hamm on a 90s dating show The Big Date which was hosted by Mark “Not The Funky Bunch One” Walberg who now hosts Antiques Roadshow. This clip made me cry out tears of liquefied mood lipstick, because it is so damn 90s. As soon as I hit play, I looked down and I was wearing overalls, a long-sleeved BOSS t-shirt and Docs.
While giving you the 90s part and bangs that look like puppy ears, Jon Hamm tells the lip liner beauty he’s trying to woo that if they went out on a date together, they’d start off with some fabulous food, a little fabulous conversation and they’d end it with a fabulous foot massage for an evening of total fabulosity. 90s Jon Hamm is testing you! He’s testing you. I feel like I need to get a hypnotist to get into my brain and erase the memory of a dorky Jon Hamm casually saying Kimora Lee Simmons’ catch phrase as though it’s a part of his every day vocabulary. I bet he screams “fabulosity” when he cums. I don’t want to know that. But you know, I still would.
At the 3:16 mark is Jon Hamm looking like an assistant manager at Oak Tree while telling Mary what a fabulous night of fabulosity they would have if she picked him. Fabulous!
Mary obviously didn’t want to fill herself up with all the fabulosity that Jon Hamm has to offer, because she turned his ass down. Yes, Mary may have exquisite taste in lip liner colors, but her choice in hot pieces sucks. As Vivian Ward would say:
And yes, Vivian Ward is showing Mary just how big The Hammaconda is….while flaccid….and after an ice bath.