Derek Jeter Prevents A Bunch Of Ball-Grabby Adults From Stealing A Little Kid’s Baseball

April 4, 2014 / Posted by:

During one of the many boring baseball games I’ve been dragged to, I sat in front of a Chatty Cathy who spent the whole game yakking about how Derek Jeter was the fucking Tenderheart Bear of major league baseball. She wouldn’t shut up about her personal saviour Derek Jeter. At one point, I almost turned around and asked if he rescued her ass from a burning building or something to see if that would shut her up. But I saw a couple empty beer cups at her feet and I knew that she’d probably kick my ass for talking shit about Jesus Jeter, so I went to take a nap in a toilet stall instead (baseball is really fucking boring).

But finally I see what that noisy loudmouth was talking about! On Thursday night’s game between the Yankees and the Astros, Jesus Jeter saw a little girl in a Yankees hat with a home-made sign, and knowing that if he threw a baseball into the stands, all the greedy evil adults would descend upon it like rats on a half-eaten cheeseburger, so he took a break and walked it over to her.

Unfortunately, one ball-snatcher couldn’t take a hint, and kept reaching for it like it was a $20 bill and she was Pimp Mama Kris. That ball-snatching bitch was determined! But no matter how hard she tried, Jesus Jeter wouldn’t let her have it and eventually the ball was placed in the little girl’s hands. Normally I’d be upset about a story that ends with ball blocking, but this one warms the cold ballpark pretzel that is my heart.

Now if only Derek Jeter could go back in time and teach this soulless ball-snatching bitch a lesson:

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