And now here’s something for us 80s whores, Danny Pintauro, who played Jonathan Bower on Who’s The Boss? and later found his nuts and taint smeared all over the (NSFW) internet, got married to his man Wil Tabares on the beach in Dana Point, CA yesterday. Danny and Wil live in Nevada where marriage isn’t legal for everyone, so they got became husband and husband in California. After 38-year-old Danny became somebody’s husband, he said this to UsWeekly:
“Everything went off without a hitch. The wedding was terrific and everyone was so happy to be there. We had fun! We went into it with no stress or worries or cares, except to have a good time.”
I’m sure Danny and Wil’s wedding was perfect for them and all that shit, but it would’ve been the wedding of the millennium and one hundred percent perfect if the following happened:
1. Judith Light and Tony Danza walked him down the sand aisle together.
2. Cujo sashayed down the aisle as the ring bearer.
3. Danny painted groom brows on his face before getting married. That could’ve been his something new. How the hell are you going to get married without brows?
4. Katherine Helmond officiated the wedding and opened the ceremony by reciting the lyrics to this inspiring and poetic masterpiece:
There were times I lost a dream or two and one of those times was when Mona DID NOT officiate Jonathan’s wedding.