All the female interns at CBS can come out of their hiding places. It’s safe now! Variety and everybody else on Earth reports that during the taping of his show tonight, David Letterman announced that he will end his 22-year-run on late night and retire in 2015. It’s the end of an era! As Jay Leno shuffled over to CBS to put in a job application, Letterman’s rep farted up this statement:
“The man who owns this network, Leslie Moonves, he and I have had a relationship for years and years and years, and we have had this conversation in the past, and we agreed that we would work together on this circumstance and the timing of this circumstance. And I phoned him just before the program, and I said ‘Leslie, it’s been great, you’ve been great, and the network has been great, but I’m retiring.’
I just want to reiterate my thanks for the support from the network, all of the people who have worked here, all of the people in the theater, all the people on the staff, everybody at home, thank you very much. What this means now, is that Paul and I can be married.
We don’t have the timetable for this precisely down – I think it will be at least a year or so, but sometime in the not too distant future, 2015 for the love of God, in fact, Paul and I will be wrapping things up.”
I hope it ends with Letterman’s eyes melting out of his sockets as Courtney Love gives him a farewell flash of her crackie nips and Madge says “FUCK FUCK FUCK” into his face. Speaking of eyeballs, you should prepare yours, because sometime next year we may see these words: Late Show with….Chelsea Handler!
UPDATE: And here’s the video of Letterman announcing he’s out of that bitch next year.