Why did I just get the overwhelming desire for a hot shower, a visit to the clinic (STD, CDC, veterinary – it doesn’t matter), and a heavy-set school nurse to check my hair for lice? Actually, scratch that last one; I’m always in the mood for a nice, relaxing lice check (BRB – need to draw up a Shark Tank business idea for a kiosk in the mall that offers a 30-minute pretend lice check).
In what could potentially be just another April Fools joke (which almost got lost under the heavy pile of yearly Facebook statuses announcing fake pregnancies) former elfin heroin-shooting slut Russell Brand released a video on YouTube yesterday claiming that he’s begun work with illustrator Chris Riddell on a series of children’s books titled Russell Brand’s Trickster Tales. Brand says the Trickster Tales are his take on fairy tales, and according to Riddell: “Russell’s voice is unique – funny, wise and engaging. And there will be rats, lots and lots of rats!” Not surprisingly, the first book in the Trickster Tales series is Russell Brand’s interpretation of The Pied Piper of Hamelin (I’m crossing my fingers that it’s an updated version where the Pied Piper drives the Kardashian family of rats out of town).
But why children’s books? Well, go find something soft to pass out on, because Russell’s explanation will get you higher than deeply inhaling welding fumes:
“I’ll do interpretations of fairy stories and folk tales, believing them to be the code to unlock aspects of our consciousness and to affect and impact the way we see the world. Once we start changing the way children see the world, oh we can do all sorts of stuff.”
What in the name of Dr. Seuss’s glue-huffing junkie nephew? Did any of that make sense to you? Me neither! What the fuck is he talking about? I know he thinks he’s going to open the minds of a generation of booger-munchers, but someone needs to tell Green Eggs and Brand that kids aren’t that fucking deep. My favourite book when I was a kid was a plastic puffy bath book about mermaids, and once my brain finally developed, it was Where’s Waldo. If Russell really wants to reach kids, he should scrap the Trickster Tales and just hide a bunch of rats in a picture of a bumping’ vampire party.