At The Cut, a woman who worked as a personal assistant to a Hollywood actress type wrote about the entire nightmare of an experience and says that by the end of it she was an empty shell of herself since her soul seeped out of her body. So basically, she felt like you after any given work day. The live-in assistant wouldn’t give up her name and wouldn’t name the mess she worked for. The assistant thought she was going to be a production assistant for the celebrity, but quickly learned she was going to be a beck-and-call bitch.
Most of the shit that the celebrity made her do seems like normal PA crap to me: have Starbucks on her bedside table every morning, watch the news at 5am so she could tell the famous ho what’s going on in the world, check the book reviews, buy the best-reviewed books at Barnes & Nobles, get her food, print out her schedule, read scripts with her, blah blah blah. It’s not like she was changing her tampons for her or anything. The assistant lived with her, so she really didn’t have any time to herself and she’d stay at the actress’ nanny’s apartment when she wanted to get away. But the crazy bitch of an actress did make her do some fucked-up shit. The actress made the assistant break up with her boyfriend, because she didn’t want to do it and she snuck weed into her assistant’s travel bag. The assistant writes that she used to pick up the actress’ “herbs” and she didn’t find out until later she was actually picking up her good shit. She writes this about the time she was a drug mule and didn’t know it.
Once when we went to a film festival, I flew out early so I could lay out the clothes she would wear. When she got in, she was like, “Did you get my stuff?” What stuff? “Oh, I put some stuff in your bag.” Oh my God, I went on a fucking plane carrying drugs for you? I could have gotten arrested! You could have at least told me so I knew what I was doing, and put it in the bag that’s not checked! What are you doing to me? At least ask and say, “Hey, do you mind carrying for me?” Not that I would have said no, but at least I could have put it in a concealed location.
The assistant finally quit that bitch, because the actress promised to take her to some international film festival. The actress later took back the invitation, because she wanted to go with her boyfriend instead. I know, unforgivable right (served on a bed of lukewarm sarcasm).
I know you’re all going to guess BETTY WHITE!!!, but here’s some clues anyway:
– The actress is a single mom.
– The actress loves the good shit.
– The dude that the assistant had to break up with for the actress is a “very prominent actor” that was in a movie with the actress.
– One time the assistant was with her family and the actress called her up and made her leave them. The actress wanted the assistant to drive her to therapy. Therapy turned out to be a palm reader that the actress got a coupon for in a gift bag at an awards show.
– The actress took meds for an STD. The assistant later called the ex-boyfriend to tell him the actress has an STD.
And that’s that!
The assistant doesn’t say when all this shit went down, so I don’t know if the actress is still a single mom. Here’s a not-totally complete list of actresses who were single moms at one point: Kate Hudson, Minnie Driver, Sandra Bullock, January Jones, Charlize Theron, Michelle Williams, Sofia Vergara, Denise Richards, Jenny McCarthy, Mary-Louise Parker and Sharon Stone. I don’t think it’s January Jones, because she’s not going to any international film festivals and she gets high from snorting the fears of others around her, not from smoking the good shit.
I’ll guess Kate Hudson? But really, it’s probably Betty White.