Seen above on the cover of May’s Cosmopolitan looking like a plastic and wooden Jennifer Aniston puppet that’s taking the most cheerful shit ever, Kaley Cuoco tells the magazine that before her week-long PRomance with Henry Cavill, she was a stranger bitch to many and after their trial contract expired, everybody suddenly knew her face. In the future, publicists trying to talk their clients into a fake relationship for attention, will bring up this quote from Kaley Cuoco and tell them that PRomances work for even the most basic of hos. They’ll follow it up by asking, “Now, do you want the Gyllenhaal or the Cooper?” Kaley spit this out about her 10 days with Superman:
“I had no one following me until I met Superman. I’ve been in this business for 20 years, and my whole life, I could go anywhere, do anything. There had not been one paparazzi photo of me until like several months ago. The recognition was crazy.”
Kaley Cuoco fame whoring her way onto our eyeballs isn’t the crazy part. The crazy part is that it’s been months since she held hands with Superman on the ho stroll and I’m still writing about her damn ass. This past weekend, I dropped half of my ice cream Drumstick on the patio floor and picked it up and ate it. That doesn’t disgust me as much as me being able to type Kaley Cuoco’s last name without Googling. What is wrong with me?
And Kaley also said that she reads comments about herself online:
“I started reading [the social media comments] and thought, Maybe I need to make more of an effort and not go out in my UGGs and be disgusting. So I started putting on makeup. And they started writing, ‘Wow, someone really likes being in front of the camera’ and ‘Her hair’s done now for coffee.’ I couldn’t do anything right. Why am I reading this stuff? But I’m obsessed. I openly admit to being totally insane about that.”
If she chopped off the “about that” part of the last sentence, I’d pat her on her stupid tattoo for summing herself up perfectly. Since there’s a chance that Kaley is reading this mess, let me tell her ass a really easy way to get hos to say she has never ever looked hotter. All she has to do is get a plain white t-shirt, pull out a Sharpie, write the exact measurements of Henry Cavill’s peen on it and wear it everywhere. Bonus points if she sketches a portrait of Superman’s peen on that back of that t-shirt.