Here’s The Trailer For “Sex Tape”, Brought To You By Cameron Diaz’s Tank Top Nipples

April 1, 2014 / Posted by:

If the whole point of the trailer for Sex Tape was to be a confusing mess, then A+ work, trailer people. Right off the bat, the image of a nearly-naked Jason Segel was dumped on my eyes, and normally I’d be all for seeing that human connect-the-dots game get his fuck on (I have a thing for mole-covered moobs; pray for me) but he’s lost a ton of weight and it looked like Cameron Diaz is sexing on The Machinist. Literally the second Cammy rolled up on him in a pair of roller skates and her nipples bugging out, I couldn’t help but scream: “NO! HE’S CLEARLY A SICK MAN! YOU’LL SHATTER HIS PELVIS!”

But I guess Jason lives, because he’s in all the scenes where they freak out after discovering the sex tape they filmed was sent to a bunch of iPads they gave to people as gifts. Wait, stop the car. These bitches are handing out iPads like some kind of Steve Jobs Santa Claus? And their solution is to steal them back? Can’t they just do what any normal person would do and fire off an email that says “Unless you wanna see my hungry Popple, I suggest deleting the video I just sent you.” But then we wouldn’t get to see Cammy aggressively snorting Lohan dust with Rob Lowe in Arthur glasses, would we.

The only part I could get on board with was Jason’s explanation of the cloud. WHAT IS THE CLOUD?? A smart person once tried to explain it to me, and I was hospitalized after suffering from a self-inflicted brain stroke (all my brain had to hear was “Well, technically…” before deciding to quit that bitch).

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