Miranda Kerr Needs A Post-Game Play-By-Play After Sex

Shortly after Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom took a lit match to the pile of dry leaves that was their 3-year marriage, I assumed that horny Kewpie doll would do a bony bootyshake for joy and pull up a seat at the all-you-can pound peen buffet, hopping from dick to dick like a gold-digging grasshopper. She started out strong, bagging herself a billionaire (a billionaire with a face that says “Thank jeebus I’ve got a gold-dipped dick”). And in a recent interview with British GQ, it sounds Miranda has developed a strategy to keep bagging bigger and better billionaires. Hint: it involves turning fuck-times into an analytical research-gathering session:

“I always ask for a critique on my performance. I always want to better myself in every way.”

The only thing worse than a chatty cathy fuck partner who won’t stop asking for approval during sex (“Is that good? What about that? On a scale of 1 to 10…”) is one who won’t shut up about it afterwards. At least during you can try to tune them out by playing the Dr. Mario theme or pretend they suffer from some rare yapping disease that’s triggered by fucking. But once it’s all done, it’s like a race against time to bust your ass to the bathroom before they sit you down for a performance evaluation. “If you’ll take a look at page 3 of the package I just handed to you, you’ll see a diagram. Please label it with the corresponding adjective, as well as a brief statement of pleasure.”

Here’s more of Miranda in British GQ. Some of the shots might be considered a little NSFW if you work at the sort of place where it’s a no-no to look at the nipples and bony buttcrack of a come-to-life Bubble Belles doll:

Pics: British GQ

Darlene Conner And Linda Perry Got Married

People says that somewhere in California yesterday, 40-year-old Sara Gilbert (Side note: Yes, a single white hair grows out of your ass lips when you read the words “39-year-old Sara Gilbert.” It’s a natural reaction) started on the road to wedded misery with the chick from 4 Non Blondes. All together now: And I say haaaaaaaaaaaaaaay-yaaaay-yaaay-yay-yay-haaaaaay-yaaay-yaaay, I say, hay, congrats, bitches!

Darlene Conner and 49-year-old Linda Perry starting bumpin’ ‘ginas full-time around 3 years ago after Darlene got out of a really long relationship. Linda proposed to Darlene last year. UsWeekly says that Juliette Lewis was at their wedding, but other than that, there’s no other details and I know that’s making you prop up your eyelids with toothpicks, because you can’t close them without knowing every detail about Darlene Conner’s wedding. So let’s just assume that Becky #1 and #2 were her bridesmaids, her something borrowed was a tuxedo made out of Roseanne’s chicken shirt, Dan walked her down the aisle while wearing his baby blue bathrobe and DJ watched it all from the children’s table where he belongs. Afterward, Sara Gilbert gave a special toast to Johnny Galecki for making her wedding possible by turning her into a lesbian with his gayelle-turning lips a million years ago.

And here’s Sara and Linda a couple of weeks ago at an event for L.A.’s Gay and Lesbian Center. Sara did good, because Linda Perry looks like the spawn of Freddy Krueger and a cholo Gelfling and that IS the look.

Pics: Wenn.com

In “Get That Money” News, A New Michael Jackson Album Is Coming

Michael Jackson Moonwalked into the afterworld five years ago and it’s kind of shocking that his estate hasn’t grabbed onto his memory and milked every last cent of it by releasing a posthumous album of “new material” every other month since his death. But they’re hopping on that train now. Today, Epic Records announced that a new MJ album titled “Xscape” (insert kandibodyleanandsideye.GIF) will come out on May 13th. They also released this album cover, which I’m guessing was made in an old copy of Photoshop by Bubbles, of MJ peeking out of an intergalactic tuba.

The new MJ album will have 8 new songs that he recorded before he died. Since the songs were recorded a while ago, L.A. Reid “contemporized” the tracks for 2014. Epic will also burp up a deluxe edition that will include the songs in their original form before L.A. Reid slathered them in some 2014. L.A. Reid farted out this statement about the album:

“Michael left behind some musical performances that we take great pride in presenting through the vision of music producers that he either worked directly with or expressed strong desire to work with. We are extremely proud and honored to present this music to the world.”

And so it begins. Expect a “posthumous” album every damn year followed by a world tour starring a Michael Jackson Hologram and a Joe Jackson-produced tribute show in Reno, NV which will feature Blanket Jackson lip-synching to his dad’s old songs while Bubbles dances in the background. But can we just fast forward to the part where Detective La Toya releases an Unforgettable-type album of her singing duets with “Michael Jackson“? Yeah, let’s go there already.

Bitch Got Booed: The Justin Bieber Juno Award Edition

“So what? I’d quit my job to boo that Bart Simpson wannabe Justin Bieber every day” – all of you reading this. And I agree; hearing that Tantrum Toddler got booed is about as surprising as finding empty Diet Coke cans in my shower (I love a good shower Coke). But it’s the circumstance of the booing that makes it a truly precious gemstone.

Canadian’s low-budget Grammy Award knock-off, the Junos, were held last night in Winnipeg (moose moose maple beaver – there, now it’s officially the most Canadian sentence every written) and by some unholy miracle, Justin won the Juno Fan Choice Award. Everyone’s favorite mischief-making Precious Moments figurine must have been too hard at work on his Busy Box, because he was a no-show. But it was for the best; the second the Canadian women’s curling team called his name (okay, now it’s officially the most Canadian sentence) that bitch got booed so hard, it was as if someone had pulled a Sinead O’Connor and tore up a picture of Anne of Green Gables:

Then during her acceptance speech for Best Songwriter, Serena Ryder (who clearly needs to drop everything and rush to the nearest MRI clinic to identify just how large that tumour is in her brain) came to Bieber’s defense, saying that he worked his ass off and deserves that award and bla bla bla. She’s right, though: you’ve got to work your ass off to be as big a douche as Tantrum Toddler.

But the real story here is that a group of polite Canadian people booed someone! I don’t think I’ve ever heard a Canadian sarcastically apologize to someone, let alone boo them. To put it in perspective, a Canadian ‘Boo’ is equivalent to an American ‘Fuck your bitch-ass life, you cunt-faced shit-eater!’ For instance, the last time someone cut me off while driving, I caught up to them at the next stoplight and the rudest thing I could think of was: “I’m sorry, but I really do not appreciate you driving like a dick”. Well, I mean, technically I didn’t say it to them; I sort of just thought it to myself. But I did give them a mildly dirty look!

Pic: Instagram

The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNERS For March 29th!

If that doesn’t get Papa Joe back in the music business, nothing will. – HiRollan

Upvote winner:

Gives a whole new meaning to rock out with your cock out. – BananaFana

Note: The un-pixelated pic is after the jump, because while a double dildo microphone mask is totally safe at my work (and the offices of the Scientology Men’s Choir), it might not be safe for yours.   Continue reading

Hot Slut Of The Day!

The Italian Andrew Zimmern who jizzes out a dozen waves of emotions over breaking a world record that doesn’t really exist! 

The whole Mentos and Coke explosion trick has been around since the beginning of Internet time, but Andrew Zimmern’s methed-up Italian cousin reinvented it with Nutella and a condom. I don’t know what the Nutella is for, but it makes this dude extra happy and I’m sure it’s not the first time that nut spread has been used to lube up the tip. (Cut to Paula Deen making a guilty face.) Dude puts a little Nutella on the tip of the Coke bottle, fills the condom with Mentos, puts the Mentos-filled condom over the Coke bottle and orgasms from every part of his body as that rubber fills up, breaks and shoots out a fizzy load of Coke. Dude loses his mind and I thought only determined gold diggers let out that kind of reaction over a condom breaking.

No, his screaming and shouting didn’t help my Monday morning hangover, but he had a dream and made that dream come true. And yes, when that condom blew up to the size of a dolphin, I said to myself, “Oh yes, yes I would.”

via Gawker