If you’ve never experienced the joy of accidentally sitting beside a ‘looks normal/sounds crazy’ crazy person on the subway (you know – the kind who’s reading an issue of Time, wearing a suit, and staring uncomfortably into your eyes before asking “When do you think the government will release the secret tapes of Jesus testifying against Allstar Seaworthy?”) you’re in luck, because Lindsay Lohan’s most recent appearance on Ellen is a pretty reasonable facsimile. Blohan was there to promote the “docu-series” (which is the conscious uncoupling way of saying ‘reality show’) Oprah Winfrey gave to her, and when asked about The Mighty O, her brain burped out this piece of dried airplane glue:
“I speak to her almost every day, and she’s just…she’s been so amazing to me. Just, you know, for everything, even before the show was coming out”
Lindsay Lohan must be snorting some next-level shit to think that when she dials the phone number given to her by the OWN producers, she is actually speaking with Oprah. Nobody talks to Oprah but Oprah; she only communicates with people by standing in front of a mirror and letting one of her dogs write down what she says. Then again, Blohan has the brain of a not-smart 2nd grader, so she’s probably pretty easy to trick. For example, when I was 5, someone called my house claiming to be Santa, and I was 100% sure I was speaking to Kris fucking Kringle himself, because kids are dumb. Same goes for Lohans; the producers at OWN probably figured out pretty early on and assigned an intern to answer all her drunk-dials. “Hey Lindsay, this is Brad…I mean Oprah. Are you finding your truth or whatever?”
And speaking of trying to pull a fast one, Ellen tried to casually bring up her rumoured fuck list, the Apricot Ashtray changed the subject faster than a Lohan at a DUI checkpoint. Ellen had reminded Blo about her first time on Ellen where she sang a sad break-up song, to which Ellen jokingly asking if she remembered who it was about, followed by “I heard there’s a list going around”. That’s when Lindsay coughed out the words most likely to shut any conversation down: “It was Wilmer Valderrama“. Nothing makes people want to change the subject faster than picturing that sleazy parasite. Bravo, Lindsay; I’m going to have to steal that one for the next time I get backed into a corner at a party.