A little over a month ago, Matt Rutler’s (seen above making the douche facial expression of a wallet miner who is living the KFed dream) gold digging destiny was fulfilled when his sugar mama Xtina announced that she can stop eating nothing but vapors and lettuce edges to stay skinny, because she’s knocked up again. Now People is saying that the fetus growing in Xtina’s womb is a girl. Well, I hope that baby girl doesn’t like the feeling of air touching her skin, because six seconds after she’s pulled out of her mom’s body, she’s going to be dipped in orange paint and rolled in metal powder.
People says that during a show in Malaysia today, Xtina told the audience that Matt Rutler’s ticket to NeverWorkAgainVille is growing in her body and then she told everyone she’s having a girl. Max, Xtina’s son with Bat Boy, is already 6 years old. We’re all old.
As soon as Xtina announced that she’s having a girl, the headquarters of Spanx, MAC, Coppertone and Sally Beauty all popped the champagne and busted out a scene straight out of Wolf of Wall Street. Glitter cannons went, money fell from the ceiling and they partied as though their penny stock just closed at $48! But you know, they would’ve had a reason to celebrate even if she was having a boy. Because no matter if she’s having a boy a girl, Xtina’s going to wrap that baby in a Spanx onesie and paint it up with so much orange and red that it’s going to look like the inside of an adorable calzone.
You know, I bet Baby Orangina Rouge Aguilera is going to grow up to be a tomboy who hates makeup. Oh shit. Saying that Xtina’s daughter is probably going to hate make-up is definitely the meanest thing I’ve ever said about Xtina. Xtina would rather her baby be homely than hate make-up, because at least she can pretty her up with make-up!