Since she’s no longer allowed to dry hump on dudes, and having reached her gayelle-ish quota for the year, Shakira was forced to get creative while filming the video for “Empire”. Instead of dressing up as sexy Darth Vader or sexy Salacious B. Crumb (which is what I would do if I was filming a video for a song called “Empire”), Shakira gathered up all the Bridal Barn cast-offs from Kim Kardashian’s Vogue shoot and crashed a church service in the Sound of Music hills. I know we’re supposed to believe it’s her wedding, but without a dude in a tux waiting for her at the end of the aisle, she just looks like some crazy bitch who wandered into 3pm communion at Corpus Christi church. Couldn’t they have at least used a life-sized cut-out of a groom, or is Gerard Piqué also insanely jealous and territorial around cardboard?
Additionally, pseudo-artsy shit like lighting a wedding dress on fire or doing the crackie shuffle in an abandoned hobo clubhouse in a Miraclesuit makes no goddamned sense, because the song itself sounds like it was written during the last 10 minutes of an after-school creative writing class by a group of valley girls. For instance, the phrase “And I’m like” is said 17 times (yes, I counted, and yes, you can visit me at the mental institution between the hours of 3pm and 4pm). Correct me if I’m wrong, but is there not a law that states if you say the words “And I’m like” more than 10 times, you are legally obligated to film your music video in the clearance section of a Delias? No? Well, there should be.