That’s A Fancy Looking Undone Straitjacket That St. Angie Jolie’s Wearing…

March 26, 2014 / Posted by:

Sin City temporarily became the Holy City yesterday afternoon when the deity that God prays to every night graced CinemaCon in Las Vegas with her ethereal presence to preview her new movie Unbroken, or as Goopy Paltrow would title it if she directed it, Consciously Coupling. Universal is releasing Unbroken in December during Oscar-bait season, and St. Angie Jolie told the audience why she wanted to make a movie about the life of World War II hero Louis Zamperini.

“I wanted to make this film because in the end, its message is one we all need now more than ever. It’s the journey of a man finding his way through the darkness and into the light. It is about an imperfect person — one who we and our children can relate to.”

Hmmm… Why does that sound like the synopsis of Consciously Uncoupling: The Chris Martin Story? A man finds his way through the darkness (aka the insane hunger, vision loss and stomach pains one goes through on day 25 of the kumquat water and seaweed extract cleanse) and into the light (aka In-N-Out whatever the hell wants it). Anyway, St. Angie was also at CinemaCon to let any possible Oscar voters in the audience know that Unbroken isn’t only a movie about a man’s journey into the light side, it’s also a faith test for Oscar votes. Do they want to earn a place in the light side (aka AngieLand aka Heaven) by voting for Unbroken for Best Picture and Best Director? Or do they want their UNGODLY souls condemned to the fiery depths of HALE by voting against Unbroken? A vote against Unbroken is a vote against God. When Oscar voters get their ballots, there will be two choices under Best Picture: “Unbroken” and “I Am Okay With Charring In Lucifer’s Den For Eternity.

But you know, a lot of people in the audience at CinemaCon probably didn’t hear a damn thing St. Angie said, because they were too busy thinking to themselves, “How and why in the fuck is she wearing the pajamas that I bought my nana at May Company in 1983?

Here’s more St. Angie looking like Annie Hall’s memaw at CinemaCon and also pictures of her at LAX with Zahara and Maddox.

Pics: AP, Wenn.com

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