Goopy Paltrow Would Like To School You Uneducated Peasants On “Conscious Uncoupling”

March 26, 2014 / Posted by:

Reading the heave-worthy title of Goopy Paltrow’s break-up statement was like hearing my cousin pronounce chardonnay as “churr-doo-nay.” I cackled even though I had no idea what she was saying.

Goopy is always trying to out-GOOP herself, so while us regulars let the online world know we’re single by changing our FB status to, “on the prowl for hard dick again,” she posted a 2,000 word piece from some fancy doctors about”conscious uncoupling.” Bitch hasn’t even filed for divorce yet and she’s already an expert on it all. So as Chris Martin celebrated his separation by eating an Arby’s roast beef with horsey sauce off of a hooker’s crotch while another hooker fucked him in the butt with a Chipotle BBQ Snack Wrap from McDonald’s, Professor Pretentioussia McStickUpperAss asked Dr. Habib Sadeghi and Dr. Sherry Sami to write a piece about “conscious uncoupling” for Goop. Here’s just a sliver of that WTF pie:

To change the concept of divorce, we need to release the belief structures we have around marriage that create rigidity in our thought process. The belief structure is the all-or-nothing idea that when we marry, it’s for life. The truth is, the only thing any of us have is today. Beyond that, there are no guarantees. The idea of being married to one person for life is too much pressure for anyone. In fact, it would be interesting to see how much easier couples might commit to each other by thinking of their relationship in terms of daily renewal instead of a lifetime investment. This is probably the reason why so many people say their long-term relationships changed overnight, once they got married. The people didn’t change, but the expectation did.

To put in plainly, as divorce rates indicate, human beings haven’t been able to fully adapt to our skyrocketing life expectancy. Our biology and psychology aren’t set up to be with one person for four, five, or six decades. This is not to suggest that there aren’t couples who happily make these milestones—we all hope that we’re one of them. Everyone enters into a marriage with the good intention to go all the way, but this sort of longevity is the exception, rather than the rule. It’s important to remember too, that just because someone is still married doesn’t mean they’re happy or that the relationship is fulfilling. To that end, living happily ever after for the length of a 21st century lifetime should not be the yardstick by which we define a successful intimate relationship: This is an important consideration as we reform the concept of divorce.

In order for those two paragraphs to make complete sense to me, I’m gonna need Neil deGrasse Tyson to explain it to me while I’m stoned into another dimension. That shit makes marriage sound like a pair of single-use contact lenses. (“Wait, it isn’t?” - Kim Kartrashian)

But I get it. It’s not Goopy’s fault her marriage ended, it’s just science. When everybody else divorces, they’re fat failures and their marriage ended because they ate too many carbs. When Goopy gets divorced, it isn’t because she and Chris just wanted to freely and openly put their mouths on other people’s fuck parts, it’s because she’s just really, really evolved.

In short: “Conscious uncoupling” is GOOP talk for “My divorce is better than YOUR divorce.”

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