The Backstreet Boys/New Kids on the Block tour made $40 million, because us sluts from the 80s were willing to empty out our checking account to fulfill our dream of throwing our wet panties at Joey McIntyre’s face. The Spice Girls reunion tour made $70 million. So because both of their tours made ten ass loads of money and many of them are always in need of a check, they’re talking about joining forces in a Backstreet Dadz and Spice Momz world tour. The 90s keeps finding ways to let us know that it’s officially back, but when is it going to prove to us that it’s really REALLY back by giving us a reboot of The Torkelsons. People say God’s looking out for the working man, but when is God going to look out for those of us who want The Torkelsons back? Anyway…
Brian Littrell supposedly told The Sun (via MTV UK) that the BSB are in early talks to do a world tour with the Spice Girls. Because this is coming from The Sun, Brian Littrell could be the name of their weekday intern who made this shit up. If it is true, then the Spice Girls will have to perform as a foursome, because after the Summer Olympics in London, Posh said that she was way too busy with her fashion empire to move her lips and pose pose pose on stage with the group that made her famous. To quote my cousin when my other cousin brought her own Trader’s Joe wine to a family party because she didn’t want to drink beer: “Bitch thinks she’s fancy now.”
I’ve seen the Spice Girls a couple of times and Posh was always the best part. Bitch stays doing the least. She basically stood in one spot in a hot dress, pointed every now and again and sort of moved her lips. I’ve seen dead grasshoppers move more than she did. The Spice Girls are NOTHING without her. But you know, they could replace her with a bitchy-looking broomstick in a brown weave. Nobody would really know the difference. Well, they’d have to shave a few inches off of that broomstick to make it look as skinny as Posh.
And since the BSB are into making money by touring with other groups from the 90s, here’s what their future tours are going to look like:
2016 – The Backstreet Boys & Hanson North America Tour!
2018 – The Backstreet Boys & TLC European And Some Parts Of North America Tour!
2023 – The Backstreet Boys & Destiny’s StepChildren (aka DC without Beyonce) County Fair Tour!
2025 – The Backstreet Boys & Vengaboys 7-Eleven Parking Lot Tour!
2035 – The Backstreet Pepaws & Aqua Retirement Home Cafeteria Tour!
I better put an extra $50 in my IRA, because I’m going to need it for that last tour.