The Video For Chris Brown’s “Loyal” Is A Disney Channel Mallrat Mess

If you’ve ever wondered what kind of fever dream a Hannah Montana choreographer would have if they mainlined Summer’s Eve and melted Zumiez shopping bags with a dirty needle in the parking lot of Universal Studios Orlando, this is it. And yes, Chris Brown is the dirty needle in that scenario. No, scratch that – the whole video is a dirty pile of needles. Everything about “Loyal” made me back further and further away from my laptop, starting with the actual song itself. Newsflash, Chris Brown: just because a ho rats your punk ass out every time you get punchy doesn’t mean they “ain’t loyal”. #thisdumbass

But let’s forget about the song for a second and focus on how lame this video is. We open on Chris Brown (dressed like Jaden Smith) and Lil Wayne skipping around the mall food court like it’s the last day of school and their parents won’t be back to pick them up for 3 whole hours. And just like most aggressively horny 14-year-olds, they spend the entire video cruising for girls. Except they’re not teenagers; they’re grown-ass adults dressed up like teenagers. So, they’re basically Pedobear in swaggy drag. And speaking of Pedobear…

Did somebody say “Pedobear’s douchebaggy asshole younger brother”? What is this shit? Why is there a guy who’s face has been covered up by a fucked up-looking cartoon bear?? Wait, I think I got it: Pedodouche is the result of a dare gone wrong.

Guy #1: I dare you…..to appear in a Chris Brown video!
Guy #2: Yeah, okay. But on one condition – I don’t have to show my face.
Guy #1: Jokes on you; even with your face covered, it’s still super embarrassing.

Then there’s some more dancing, more girl chasing, a chick cruising Ashley Madison on her phone (because 9 out of 10 women would rather fuck a random creepy businessman in his sad room at the Holiday Inn Express than take their chances with Chris Brown), more dancing like nobody’s watching, Usher in a Davy Crockett hat because why the hell not, and Tyga with a tiger (everyone’s pun-obsessed Aunt just creamed their pajama jeans). I think the takeaway here is that I hope they don’t have wifi in jail, because Chris Brown will get his ass handed to him if the inmates of Cellblock D ever see this G-rated Kids Inc.-looking mess. And by ‘hope they don’t’ I of course mean ‘hope they play this shit in the cafeteria at dinnertime’.