The first two episodes of Lindsay Lohan’s reality shit show masquerading as a “docu-series” felt like the pilot episode for HGTV’s future hit Crack House Hunters. It was two hours of the self-entitled freckled cigarette stain crying and whining about how hard it is finding a multi-million dollar luxury apartment in SoHo to rent with OWN’s money. But finally, on last night’s episode shit got serious when The Mighty O descended from her throne on Mt. Olympus to use a bunch of bullshit self-help phrases to tell LiLo, “Fuck with my money and I will DESTROY you.”
Just like the preview showed, Lindsay Lohan pulled a Lindsay Lohan when she canceled a scheduled shoot just as the crew arrived at her apartment to start shooting for the day. Word got back to Oprah that Lindsay Lohan is costing production money by canceling shoots and showing up late, so during a scheduled “check-in” at White Oprah’s Long Island Den of Delusion, the Mighty O spits a couple of fuck words at LiLo’s rubber corpse face. LiLo serves Oprah the usual eye roll-worthy crap when she, a trick whose heart can’t beat without a camera in her face, says that it’s taking her some time getting used to the cameras and she’s never shot a reality show before. This bitch is getting paid way too much money to let cameras follow her around and she still finds something to bitch about. If you or me showed up to our first day on a job and left after 25 minutes, because we needed more time to adjust to working, a pink slip would be shoved up our b-holes before we even put the key in our car in the parking lot. But LiLo needs time.
So Oprah tells LiLo that if she doesn’t want to do this, the cameras will go away and they’ll all go their separate ways. Oprah also reminds LiLo that this is probably her last shot and she needs to cut the bullshit. LiLo eventually says it’s what she wants and that was Oprah’s assistant’s cue to call the movers at LiLo’s SoHo apartment to let them know they don’t have to put that trick’s ugly stuff on the curb… yet.
I do love a good Oprah smack down, but she was acting like she really cares about LiLo when we all know she mostly cares about the show, her network and the money she spent on this crap. It’s almost like Oprah was speaking in code to LiLo. Here’s what Oprah said and what I heard:
What Oprah said: “When you change a schedule you know what happens. You’re a professional woman. It’s not just for you, you got a whole team of people who are relying on YOU right now for this particular experience. For creating this documentary. If you don’t want that, then change that. That’s what I’m saying. If you don’t want it, it’s okay.”
What I heard: “You professional fuck-up! If you keep costing mama money, I’m going to put your skank ass out on the streets where it belongs and I’ll sue the bootleg fillers right out of your ungrateful lips.”
What Oprah said: “You are going to have to prove the naysayers wrong, you really are. The vultures are waiting to pick your bones. And that shouldn’t frighten you, that should liberate you. That should liberate you. Because if I were you, I wouldn’t let them have me.”
What I heard: “If you don’t start pretending like you’re not a fuck-up and continue to humiliate me in front of the naysayers, there won’t be anything for the vultures to pick, because I would’ve already ripped the crack-coated white meat right off of your bones, bitch.”
What Oprah: “I believe that you believe that this is your time to turn things around for yourself. I believe that. I believe you when you told me that. If that is the case, then you are not going to fuck it up.”
What I heard: “This is your last shot, hussy. If you fuck with me, you won’t even be able to get a job as a substitute fluffer for Brazzers. You cost production one more cent and I will cancel the show and cancel YOUR LIIIIIIFE. That is your truth, that is my truth, that is THEE truth.”
And on next week’s episode, the real Oprah has a word with White Oprah and I can’t wait. I hope the real Oprah gives it to the fake Oprah and only one Oprah comes out alive. Don’t fuck it up, Oprah.