There must be a 24-hour news feed at Castle Goopskull that alerts Gwyneth Paltrow to every time an actress gives health advice, because it seems like more than a coincidence that a week after Shay-Lean Woodley taught us about clay-eating and vagina-burning, Gwynny has popped out of the woodworks like the jealous weevil that she is to remind Shay-Shay that she is the Queen of Thanks-But-No-Thanks advice.
Just like Jennifer Aniston before her, Gwyneth Kate (btw: how pissed do you think she is that she has such a basic-bitch middle name) gave an interview to E! News that was little more than a thinly-veiled infomercial for Restorsea, the skincare line she’s currently cashing checks from. Since we’ve all heard everything there is to know about skincare 8,000 times (wash face, dry face, put on sunscreen, wait for death) she moved the conversation to the cause of my most current bout of dry heaves, oil pulling:
I use coconut oil a lot I do on my face, on my skin and in my cooking. And I just started “oil pulling,” which is when you swish coconut oil around [in your mouth] for 20 minutes, and it’s supposed to be great for oral health and making your teeth white. It’s supposed to clear up your skin, as well. It’s really interesting; it’s an ancient, ancient technique. I read about it on the Internet.
You read about it on the internet? Goopy, please; everybody knows it don’t mean shit unless you saw it on Dr. Oz. But back to the more important question: what is Katie Paltrow doing with that oil once she’s done swishing it? Does she spit or swallow? (Trick question: as if a penis has ever touched her pristine princess mouth). If I were to use what I know about Gwyneth Paltrow, my powers of deduction say that she’s spitting all that swished up coconut oil into vintage apothecary bottles to sell on GOOP. Who wouldn’t want to own a limited-edition bottle of Academy Award-winner Gwyneth Paltrow’s organic oily mouth jizz? It would go great with your 300-page collection of Gwyneth’s farts.
And I’m still having trouble comprehending the idea of sucking on something for 20 minutes that didn’t buy me a Seaside Shrimp Trio at Red Lobster first.