Justin Theroux Keeps Stealing Jennifer Aniston’s Moisturizer

March 22, 2014 / Posted by:

And not for the reason you’re thinking. Justin Theroux isn’t a normal boyfriend, he’s a cool boyfriend. When Justin Theroux jacks off, he keeps it real by using motorcycle grease, the shoe polish from his hair, and the torn-off scraps from his homemade jorts, all while trying to ignore the inevitable text from Terry Richardson that says “Hey Buddy, my jackdar is going crazy! You baiting? Can I come over and take some pics?”  No, Justin Theroux is stealing Jennifer Aniston’s creams and serums to use on his face. Jenny Aniston, who is currently cashing checks from Aveeno, gave a live-action Aveeno advertisement interview to E! News where she outed Justin as a skincare-stealing THIEF:

“It’s hysterical. What product doesn’t he try to hijack? He’s good to his skin, that’s for sure. It’s always, ‘what are you using, what is that?’ It’s cute. He’s got gorgeous skin. Perfect skin.”

Uh huh. Let me guess: he just can’t get enough Aveeno® Ultra Calming® cleanser, Aveeno® Fresh Essentials® Daily Exfoliator, and Aveeno® Positively Ageless® Night Cream. Sike! You think Aniston actually uses shit from the drugstore? Rich bitch is rich; the only thing she uses Aveeno for is to tip housekeeping when she goes on vacation. “Thanks for picking up all my empty bottles of Smartwater®. Here, take some moisturizer. I’m told it’s good for moisture or something.”

Regardless of whether it’s Aveeno or not (it’s not) I don’t doubt Justin is stealing her face stuff. Before Jenny, Justin had probably been to Mexico a handful of times. But a relationship with Jennifer Aniston means you’re on vacation 42 weeks out of the year, and all that Mexico has probably dried out his skin like a beaded lizard’s sunbaked nut sack. He’s not trying to be cute, Aniston, he’s trying to stay alive. If he doesn’t use every last drop of her moisturizer and age-reversal cream and extra-strength skin hydrator, he’s going to start looking like the Brooklyn biker version of Tan Mom.

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