And of course, Lady CaCa’s 7-minute-long music video has 4 minutes of credits and surprisingly those 4 minutes of credits aren’t the words “You’re Welcome – Lady CaCa” scrolling over and over again.
If you’ve got 7 plus minutes of your Saturday night to spare and you’re currently hooked up to an IV full of something beyond mind-numbing, then watch the latest ode to Lady CaCa starring Lady CaCa and directed by Lady CaCa. CaCa’s “G-U-Y” was shot at Hearst Castle (aka the music video backdrop that $250,000 will get you) and I’ve always loved Hearst Castle, mainly because Laurence Olivier might’ve dipped his nuts in one if its pools while taking a break from shooting Spartacus, but this video almost looks like a commercial for a Donatella Versace Variety Show at a Neptune-themed hotel and casino in Laughlin, NV. (By the way, I’d probably suck a hobo dick to see that show. Okay, I’d suck a hobo dick anyway, but you know.) I kept waiting for Patty Hearst to bust in on this video with a gun to tell them all to stop.
“G.U.Y” starts out with CaCa as a Beaky Buzzard-looking ass trick who gets shot with an arrow and stumbles toward Hearst Castle where some people cover her in my cousin’s old quinceañera flowers before dipping her in a pool and transforming her into a busted showgirl. I thought at first that CaCa reemerged in heaven or some shit, but then I saw the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and knew that it was obviously Hell. Actually, I take that back, because before you enter the gates of Heaven, Kim Richards is there to greet you by fake strumming a guitar while lip-synching to a pop song. Because God wants you to start your eternal time in Heaven with a laugh.
Then this happened:
That has to be the gayest part of this entire mess of a video and that’s saying a lot, because there’s a ridiculous scene where Michael Jackson, Jesus and Gandhi come out of coffins together. This is even gayer than the Teletubbies sun baby and yes, I think I mean that as a compliment.
And this also happened:
See, this video should’ve been nothing but 12 minutes of Giggy making that face while wearing that tuxedo. It would’ve won ALL the awards and Bravo would’ve saved 99% of the money it spent on this shit (you know they paid for it). Now that would’ve been true HIGH ART.