You really don’t know the Crystal Enchantress of the Ice and totally thought wrong if you figured his divorce from his first husband Victor Voronov would end with them wishing each other well and shaking hands like mature, sane adults. Nope, it’s going to end with glitter-infused tears, screams, more bite marks and possibly the brutal death of another Birkin bag. The divorce battle royale is going to messier than that biker angel goddess ensemble that Johnny’s wearing.
On the day that every swan’s heart broke, Victor tweeted that he barely found out that Johnny filed for divorce in February and that he was totally blind-sided by it. Victor must’ve shaken off the shock real quick, because he hired a “legal crisis manager.” Bitch thinks he’s on Scandal! Calling Olivia Pope! Johnny has turned up the messiness all the way by turning his divorce into a non-stop press party for himself. All week long, Access Hollywood has been airing an EXCLUSIVO tell-all interview that Johnny gave to the factory-defected, empty-headed Alfred E. Neuman doll named Billy Bush. Johnny dramatically told Billy that he’s had the sads in his little sequins-covered dove heart for a while about his marriage problems. Johnny says that they fought a lot about money, because Victor quit his law career to travel with him and he was supporting the both of them. Victor supposedly was controlling and pushed most of Johnny’s friends and even his own mother away. Victor’s legal crisis manager (I still CAN’T with that shit) tells Access Hollywood that he quit his law career, because Johnny wanted him to be a stay-at-home husband and travel with him.
“The night in question, my husband was very drunk and was yelling at me about my relationship with my mother and my mother was assisting me in cleaning up some financial messiness that had happened and he was uncomfortable with that and had voiced it very clearly. So, we had a fight and then I went to sleep because I had to work the next day and he came in – very not himself – and asked me to lay with him in the biblical sense, and when I refused, the altercation between us started. I was defending myself and it’s unfortunate that there was a mark left on his body because as soon the police came to our home the first thing he did was show this mark, so I knew then he didn’t really care that much and all he is out to do is hurt me.”
I watched this part of the interview on Access Hollywood, and I am so mad they didn’t shoot it in black and white. Johnny should’ve worn a fox stole and a black fishnet veil over his face, and took graceful drags from a long cigarette as he detailed the dramatic events of that night. It sucks that science and/or witchcraft hasn’t found a way to really bring back the dead, because I’d love to see Joan Crawford turn that monologue out. I’d also love it if they played that Access Hollywood interview during Sunday mass at every Evangelical church. I want to see heads slowly pop off of necks as Johnny says, “…lay with him in the biblical sense.”
Johnny also said that Victor hit him repeatedly in front of friends before and he never went to the police.
Victor was also offered money for a tell-all interview of his own and he supposedly told Johnny’s lawyer that he will turn it down if his estranged husband pays his lawyers fee and gives him spousal support. The Crystal Enchantress of the Ice shooed away his offer and asked the judge to make Victor pay his own lawyer fees.
As for that Birkin bag massacre, TMZ says that on September 29, 2013, Johnny wrote Victor an email apologizing for a fight they had but also slapped at his husband’s wrist for brutally murdering one of his Hermès purses (yes, in this situation, Hermès is pronounced “HER MESS.”)
Johnny writes, “If you decide to wreck things, please wreck cheaper things than Birkins.” He goes on …”The fuck you on the Birkin is kinda cool, though, you artist. I know you don’t care about how I’ll survive if you divorce me, but please leave my Birkin bags, Celine bags and Chanel bags alone.”
What’s really surprising is that Victor’s heart still beats in his chest and his lungs still work, because when you mess with Johnny Weir’s Birkin, you mess with his emotions. And when you mess with his emotions, you’ll get a Louboutin heel to the throat. Hell hath no fury like a bitchy brand whore scorned.