Sister Act is real. Sister Cristina Scuccia, whom I’m guessing was a lounge singer in Sicily and was put under protective custody in a convent after a mobster put a hit out on her, sang the holy spirit into everyone’s souls when she performed Alicia Keys’ “No One” for the judges on The Voice of Italy. I was going to ask whatever happened to that “only God can judge me” thing, but then I saw Raffaella Carrà who is practically God.
As soon as the musical notes came out of the 25-year-old Sicilian nun’s mouth, the audience went crazy and mostly because if they didn’t they’d be declared God haters and they’d have to pledge their devotion to Satan. Then they’d have to go to Satanic rituals where they’d run into at least one Kardashian. One huge reason to not be a Satanist is to avoid running into a Kardashian at those ritual things.
Anyway, Sister Cristina sang her rosary off and all judges eventually turned around and each of them were shocked to see a nun in front of them. They all realized that they should probably turn around when the voice of Jesus whispered into their ears, “Bitch, you better hit that button.” I wanted Sister Cristina to go with Raffaella, because why wouldn’t you go with Raffaella, but she went with rapper J-Ax.
The best part of Sister Cristina’s entire performance was her fellow nuns doing the DIO SANTO (Note: Google Translation tells me “dio santo” is “SANTO DIOS” in Italian, so if it’s wrong, scream at that Google Translation bitch) jump every time a judge turned around.
If you’re going to be on The Voice, you need a trio of nuns cheering your ass on. It’s the only way.