January Jones Wants To Do RiRi

March 20, 2014 / Posted by:

Not pictured: The 25 space heaters and 12 torches that were needed to make sure the water didn’t freeze and the peonies didn’t turn into icicle flowers from being exposed to the Ice Queen of South Dakota.

Seen above making a graceful “oopsie” face after accidentally diarrhea-ing in the tub during a photo shoot for Violet Grey, The Coldest Month Jones was asked by the magazine if she could rub her icicle clit (clicicle?) against any celebrity, who should she choose. January spit out this ice cube:

“Paul Newman or Rihanna”

Paul Newman is now a beautiful ghost and ghosts are cold enough so he doesn’t need January Jones’ frozen body bumping up against him. He’ll pass. RiRi will also pass, because it’ll be hard for her to pop her pussy on stage when it’s frozen and numb. Actually, RiRi would still do her, but she’d just unthaw her chocha out with a blow dryer afterward.

January also spit out this priceless freezer-burned nugget:

“I prefer to remain mysterious and have people MAKE their own judgment calls about me than to always have to EXPLAIN who I am and what I’m about. I try to take risks and shock people a little bit, it’s important to provoke some sort of emotion, negative or positive.”

AHAHAHAHAHA! Who knew that unflavored popsicles were so damn funny! Like January Jones gives off any other emotion besides, “I WILL FREEZE YOUR SOUL AND END YOU.” But she is right about the whole “mysterious” thing. Most ice cubes are pretty damn mysterious. When I’m boozed up and stoned and I’m on my 12th glass of sangria, I pull an ice cube out of my glass and say to it, “How do you become you? How do you keep my drink so cold and delicious?” So I get what she means.

Pics: Violet Grey

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