I’m not being sarcastic – this is actual breaking, important news! The Dickensian street urchin half of the two-headed Michelle Tanner billionaire beast, Mary-Kate Olsen, has recently come forward to bravely confirm what everyone with a pair of eyes and a knowledge of cartoon hobos already knew: that she didn’t know how to brush her hair. Duh times Duh divided by Duh to the power of No Shit.
During an interview with Elle Magazine to promote their new perfumes, Nirvana White and Nirvana Black (I’ve smelled them both, and sadly, they smell like neither Uncle Jesse nor The Rippers) MK and Ashley Olsen were asked if they have any beauty talents, you know, besides bagging rich-ass husbands and scurring the poop pellets out of our forrest friends:
Ashley: “My friend actually also made me cut her hair the other day and that didn’t look too bad either. She made me do it, but it looks great.”
Mary-Kate: “You know, the truth is I feel like I just learned how to brush my hair like last week!”
Next comes washing hair, switching from baby wipes to real showers, and once you’ve mastered those, learning how to smile without looking like a gremlin. But we’ll see; baby steps. Tiny Olsen-sized baby steps. But I’ll be honest, I’m not hopeful; years of forcing her lips into the prune position have no doubt destroyed her secondary jaw muscles.
Now please, let’s all join hands and bust out a prayer for the poor brush who sacrificed itself for the greater good of humanity by volunteering to tackle that tangled mess of hair-style straw. See you at tha crossrooooooooads.