Bitch Needs Kindergarten: The Kate Major Edition

March 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Warning: you will definitely get second-hand drunk from watching this dash cam video of fresh Florida clementine Kate Major’s DUI arrest, so go grab the Flintstones Chewable Painkillers and a giant jug of Gatorade, because your brain will be begging for it once you’re done.

The police car dash cam of Kate Major’s arrest after her whirlwind Thursday evening spent drinking, fighting, more drinking, tweeting, more fighting, and drunk driving (aka just an average night at the home of Michael Lohan and Kate Major) has been released, and while it lacks the grand showmanship of other notable DUI videos, such as that of Laura Jeanne Poon’s, it makes up for it with subtlety and charm.

We open on Kate looking like a raunchy Fraggle in sweatpants, immediately denying that she’s been drinking. Good call Kate; it’s not like the police have a tool to test for that sort of thing. But they don’t need to administer a breathalyzer, because Kate pretty much confirms their suspicions that she’s been chasing the chardonnay dragon by bursting into tears and gargling out whatever random thoughts have been collecting in her lizard brain. Now, unless you like the sound of slurry drunk crying, you should skip to the 3:00 mark, because that’s where things take a turn down YAAAASSS road.

After Kate does the walk o’ sobriety without falling on her ass (something I can barely do while sober, so slow claps for you, Kate Major), you can tell she thinks she’s in the clear, but then she’s asked to recite her A-B-Cs and you can practically hear that sad trombone sound. Someone needs to sit her down and hook her ass on phonics, because she manages to hit everything between A and V, but oh boy, those last 4 letters. Twice she forgets what comes after T-U-V. And yet she gets L-M-N-O-P, the no-good troublemakers of the alphabet. It’s that damn W’s fault; ironic, considering wine and wasted both start with the letter W.

And I don’t know if Kate fucked up her A-B-Cs because she was drunk, or because she’s an idiot who legit doesn’t know them, but I think it might be the latter. I mean, she did mate with Michael Lohan.

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