Ladies, mark your calendars. On April 23rd, you’ll have to go back to wearing head-to-toe armor, because on that day Chris Brown and his fists will be released back into civilization. Hopefully sometime between now and then, the jail warden will accidentally swallow Chris’ cell key and then will sort of kind of shit out that key in a rest stop bathroom far, far away. (“But Michael, you dumb bitch, it’s 2014, I don’t think cells operate with keys anymore.” – you “I hate how you always try to ruin my beautiful fantasies.” – me)
The Difficult Brown was kicked out of rehab and sent to jail on Friday after he violated rules. He was supposed to stay in rehab until his assault case in DC is wrapped up, but since he just couldn’t help himself and self-sabotaged his own stupid ass again, he got kicked out of anger management rehab and was sent to jail. Chris was in court in L.A. today to ask the judge to please, please release him. While wearing his signature color “jail house tangerine,” Chris contorted his facial expressions into “sad, wittle puppy” to win sympathy from the judge. The judge wasn’t buying that transparent act and told Chris he has to stay in jail until a jury in the DC case decides if he’s guilty or not. TMZ says that his trial in DC is set for April 17th and Fisty probably won’t be allowed to attend. Judge Obvious let Chris know that he has an “inability to stay out of trouble.” TMZ also says that he was kicked out of rehab for three reasons:
1. He was told to stay at least 2 feet away from every woman in rehab. He wasn’t allowed to touch, grope or punch a lady. But since the words “don’t put your hands on a woman” are about as foreign to this anal wart as the words “don’t touch those cupcakes” are to me, he broke the rules when he touched a woman’s hand and elbow.
2. The Difficult Brown was allowed to leave rehab for one day and when he came back he refused to take a drug test. He later took one and it was negative, but saying no the first time was a violation.
3. During group session, he talked shit about rehab.
The judge also shook his head at that piece of trash when he heard that Chris bragged about being good at using guns and knives in rehab.
So for the next 30-something days, Fist Brown will sit in a jail cell and if he’s found guilty in the DC case, he could face up to 4 years in the chokey for violating probation by committing a felony.
One motherfucker down (for now). Now all we need is for Justin Bieber to be found guilty in that egging shit so the judge can sentence him to spend 30 days in the same jail cell as The Difficult Brown. All that doucheness in such a small space would make that cell explode. But with our luck, they’d fall in love, mate and the Biebs would butt birth out the Four Horsemen.