March 17, 2014 / Posted by:

In case you couldn’t tell by all us hos from Los Angeles screaming on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, MySpace, Craigslist Casual Encounters, ICQ, AOL People Connection and EVERYWHERE else, we had a 4.4 earthquake (or as my little cousin calls them “ert-a-quakes“) this morning. I feel so left out of the “Shit My Chonies” party, because like Jon Gosselin’s trick when he sticks it all the way in, I didn’t feel a damn thing. The sound of my chihuahua snoring through dreamland was probably louder than the sound of the rumbles and I was too busy shaking my head over it being Monday to notice that the world was ending. But it did happen and these anchors from KTLA went through it and HOW. The dude’s face measured a 99.99999999 on the HAHAHA scale. You cannot blame his dramatic ass. One of those lights above could’ve fallen on his face and messed up his pretty. He is protecting his greatest asset at all costs.

Those of us hard, old native bitches who lived through the Northridge earthquake in ’94 all said in unison, “Dramatic whores, 4.4 is amateur hour!” But yes, if I did feel it, I’d be the first one screaming and crying while running out of my house with my dog in one arm and my stash and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

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