It’s Official: You Can Start Ordering Monogrammed Towels For RiRi And Wheelchair Jimmy

March 16, 2014 / Posted by:

It worked, Wheelchair Jimmy! Your 15-song love letter to Rihanna worked! Now she’ll have to go to the prom with you! Oh, it’s just like Pretty in Pink; except in this version Andie chooses Duckie, and Blane’s a dumb fuck-up who ends up in prison.

Everyone in Canada is popping bottles of sparkling maple syrup this morning, because they’re one step closer to having their very own Princess (not so fast, Avril Lavigne; I said Princess, not Hot Topic laundry pile goblin). TMZ says that RiRi’s Barbadian water balloon butt is only grinding against Wheelchair Jimmy these days, and if a crazy slut like RiRi is cutting off all other crotches to grind on, it must be serious.

Multiple sources extremely close to the couple tell us, Rihanna and Drake have gone from casually hooking up to seriously dating … they’ve decided to give it a serious shot.

We’re told Rihanna wants to spend as much time with Drake as her schedule will allow — because he treats her better than anyone she’s ever been with.

As for Drake, he’s smitten — one source said “he’s in the best mood he’s been in a long time.”

Wheelchair Jimmy is following that smear of rancid dick cheese Chris Brown, so saying that he treats RiRi better than anyone else isn’t exactly saying much. He could repeatedly roll over her foot with his wheelchair, hissing “Watch where you’re going, hag!” and he’d still be about a million times more chivalrous than what she’s used to.

I get major clinger vibes from Wheelchair Jimmy, and something tells me he’s waaaaay more into her that she is of him. He’s probably skipping around the house singing “Tonight” from West Side Story and adding a thousand pictures of wedding cakes to his Pinterest. Meanwhile, RiRi’s definition of commitment is that she’s considering letting him leave a toothbrush at her place, and texting all her side pieces: “Hey, I guess I got a man now, so no more butt stuff.” Regardless, mazel to them; they found love in a hopeless place (okay, I’ll stop).

Pics: Splash

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