Pop Open A Jug Of Sparkling Moonshine, A Spears Got Hitched!

March 15, 2014 / Posted by:

That Cake Wreck cake looks like it was decorated by a strung out junkie with shaky hands before it was loaded onto the back of an El Camino and driven 10 miles on a bumpy dirt road to the venue. It’s the cake version of Brit Brit’s weave. But I still would.

After being engaged to 31-year-old “business manJamie Watson for about a year, 22-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears got married to him last night in New Orleans. Yes, Jamie Lynn, the daughter of Jamie and Lynn Spears, got married to a Jamie. If the Jamies have a kid together (which they will since what else do they have to do?), they’ll probably name it Jamie Lynn Jamie Jamie Jamie. Those Spears whores keep trying hard to own the name Jamie, but the only Jamie that will ever matter is Jamie from Small Wonder.

E! News says that Jamie Lynn and Jamie’s wedding and reception went down at the Audubon Tea Room. Jamie Lynn’s 4-year-old daughter Maddie was the flower girl and Brit Brit’s boys Jayden and SPF were the ringbearers. As for Our Lady of Cheetos who should get all the credit for Jamie Lynn’s country wedding since her ass probably paid for all it, she spent the entire reception eating Jordan almonds and playing Kirby’s Dream Land on her pink Nintendo 3DS under a table somewhere.

So far, I’m disappointed by Jamie Lynn’s wedding. This is not a Spears wedding. Where is the bouquet made of torn apart Natty Light cans? Where is the 9-month baby bump under the bride’s white dress? Where is the buffet table with fine gourmet dishes like Cheetos and possum casserole and Slim Jim and raccoon stew on it? Where is the shopping cart grill with snake burgers cooking on it? Why aren’t the guests holding long-stemmed Big Gulp cups full of the homemade hillbilly wine that Daddy Spears made in a big plastic trash can in his backyard? There was none of that, but this happened:

jamielynnuggswedding

Usually when a bride wears UGGs to her wedding, the ceremony is immediately declared a Satanic ritual. But UGGs are practically a Spears family heirloom, so I’ll let it slide.

Pics: Breathe Heavy

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