Ax Battler, Tyris Flare and Gilius Thunderhead of the Golden Axe video game series from the 80s and 90s!
I’m sure you’ve already planned to spend a good chunk of your day using I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter as lube while fapping to romance novel covers, which means it’s Fabio’s born day! While looking for gorgeous portraits of Fabio this morning for Birthday Sluts, I found this cover of Golden Axe II and memories of slobbering over the hot bitch in the blue loin cloth (and even that muscled-up troll daddy who exists in real-life. I was more hard up then than I am now if that can be believed) took over my brain.
I don’t remember that much about Golden Axe except for falling in love with that Zoolander-faced, Fabio-bodied hot panty creamer with Gloria Steinem hair circa 1960s hair. But in that shit, you could play one of three characters and you’d battle all sorts of beasts, warriors and mythical creatures in a medieval fantasy land. When I played video games as a kid, I’d constantly look for video games with playable chick characters, so I had Golden Axe I and II. I also sucked at playing video games. I still do. A controller is like a vagina to me. I don’t know what to do with it. I’m as good at playing video games as Chris Brown is at not fucking up. I remember that Golden Axe was pretty damn easy, even for me, so I was into it.
This is probably only interesting to one bitch on the planet (this bitch), but here’s a piece of Golden Axe. Judging by that anti-drugs message at the beginning, Nancy Reagan must’ve been an investor in SEGA.
On the last page of every Game of Thrones novel should be the words, “Special thanks to Golden Axe for being my sole inspiration.” I mean, it’s obvious.