Hot Slut Of The Day!

The genius archaeologists at Everything Is Terrible once again sifted through the mountains of VHS and BETA tapes in cardboard boxes at garage sales and discovered a priceless artifact from the 80s or 90s (or judging by some of those hot testimonial hos, this could’ve been filmed in present day Bushwick). Everything Is Terrible didn’t give any details about their latest supercut masterpiece. The only thing I know is that it’s from some kind of crazy Christian diet program and the leader is a stunning Joanna Kerns-like beauty who possesses exquisite bangs and an uncanny ability to barf out insane nonsense and mean it. If Sarah Palin ever became President, she would be our new Surgeon General.

What I’ve learned from this video is that asparagus is the devil’s green dick (that would explain the shit it does to your piss), the hair game of a Christian circa 1980s is like no other and God is kind of like a judgmental ass mom: “he” thinks you’re a fat fuck and throws a side-eye at everything you put in your mouth. You should really watch this from beginning to end, because it really does work as a weight-loss tool. You will burn at least 2,000 calories from laughing and another 800 calories from bowing at the beauty of the majestic White Rain wave above her forehead.

Here’s just a few of the brilliant proverbs that dribbled out of her mouth:

“We may not have blood, frogs and gnats, but we have clothes that are too tight and exhaustion by 10am, trouble breathing and trouble sleeping, indigestion and nagging comments.”

“If you too are crying out to your heavenly father to save you from this heartless slave driver called food, then you are ready for the exodus.”

“God wants us to stop reading the labels on the side of the food packages and to start reading the labels of our heart.”

“Walk away from the food into a private room and talk to God. Of course, you can talk to him in your car or a room full of people. He does not care what you look like.”

“Let him fill you as you have never been filled before.”

“One could be sneaking into the kitchen and having a secret rendezvous with THE FUDGE.”

“When you decide ‘I’m going to eat, but you’re not at God’s hunger point, you’ve listened to Satan.”

“God is the CEO and you are, at best, the employee or manager.”

“If we adore food, we become like a refrigerator. If we adore Christ however, we become LIKE HIM.”

“Secret Rendezvous with The Fudge” is the title of Kirstie Alley’s next autobiography. Strangely enough, it’s also the title of John Travolta’s future autobiography, but for a totally different reason.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to walk into a private room and thank the CEO of my life, God, for gifting us with this funny shit and to also let him know that if he ever knocks my ice cream onto the floor, I’m still going to eat it.