The first time I read Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark, it scared me so bad, that for 2 goddamned years I was afraid a no-good spider would birth her babies in my skin if I fell asleep. So I’m pouring out a Scooby Doo glass of lukewarm tap water for the poor unsuspecting rugrats who will no doubt have years of bone-chilling therapy sessions after reading a children’s book written by Keith Richards, a man who looks like a Ralph Steadman fever dream took a shit on the Boogeyman.
HuffPo says that the second most frightening-looking Rolling Stone (the first being Ronnie Wood) has signed a deal with Little, Brown Books for Young Readers to write “Gus & Me: The Story of My Granddad and My First Guitar”, a story about Richards’s grandfather, Gus Dupree, which will be co-written by Barnaby Harris and Bill Shapiro, and illustrated by Keith’s daughter Theodora Richards.
Praise Cheetos that it’s a story about Lil’ Keith Richards, aka before he turned into a wrinkly heroin goblin, because I think current-day Keith Richards is legit too scary for kids under 10 (or people over 20 who’s drug hallucinations include scary old people). And double-praise the snack gods that he has two helpers who’s job it is to translate the gibberish Keith’s lizard brain burps out. Imagine if Keith Richards was left to his own devices and allowed to write the book himself? We’d get a 3-page pamphlet written on an airplane sick bag called ‘Countin’ Wif Keif’ and it would just be a collection of cigarette butts, lint-covered Viagra, and scabs.
And if Keith Richards wants to keep writing after he’s done his children’s book, I’d love to read a tell-all co-written by his liver.