Last night, the 1,985th season of The Bachelor was supposed to come to an end with that sentient bottle of Massengill douche, Juan Pablo Galavis, proposing to one of the two remaining ladies desperately competing for an engagement ring. And how there were even two women who willing chose to stick around is still an unsolved mystery; I’m sure there are strains of flesh-eating bacteria that want nothing to do with that self-obsessed greasy bag of vingear-based chocha wash.
However, the show ended with a ring, just not on THAT FINGER. When it came time for Juan Pablo to choose between Clare Crawley and Nikki Ferrell, he sent Clare home (who kind of left in a restrained Half Baked way). But instead of getting down on one knee and asking Nikki to be his fiancé for 6 weeks or 3 Us Weekly covers (whichever comes first), he told her he wasn’t really ready for a serious commitment. Then he got into his car and hauled ass back to Neil Lane where he returned the ring for cash, because he’s 2 weeks late with his half of the rent and his mom is being a major pain in the ass about it.
Then Juan Pablo and Nikki agreed to a live interview with host Chris Harrison, during the entirety of which Juan Pablo looked like a guy who’s trying to convince people at an office party that his date isn’t an escort. It was 1000 shades of awkward was thrown into a blender with Justin Bieber’s deposition video and pureed until it reached the consistency of an accidental lube fart. The clip above is literally 1/10th of the smug assholery Juan Pablo gifted us with last night: he kept giving stink face to Chris Harrison, he called out all the people talking shit about him online (aww, Juan Pablo, you shouldn’t have!), and he kept bragging about how he was so glad to be done with The Bachelor.
At which point it would have been the perfect time for Molly the dog come out and bake a bootycake right there on the stage as a way to say “Yeah, the feeling is mutual.”