On the first episode of OWN’s Lindsay: I’m Just Doing This For The Check, we learned that Lindsay Lohan is still a freckled ball of narcissism who is a serious whoarder and lives in a coke bubble where she’s the only trick that matters. During most of the episode, LiLo and her assistant, who was dressed like a Town Car driver most of the time and will probably check into a mental hospital by the time the last episode airs, looked for an apartment for her to rent on Oprah’s dime. LiLo lived in a hotel until she found an apartment, and her hotel room was a metaphor for her entire life. It was a mess. It looked like the inside of a Salvation Army that was hit by a hurricane and a tornado at the same time. Bitch’s life is full of baggage both figurative and literal.
Speaking of LiLo’s baggage, the best part of that mostly boring shit show was when she visits White Oprah’s Haus of Delusion on Long Island. LiLo had all of her stuff shipped from L.A. to NY and kept it at her mom’s house until she found a place. When White Oprah opens her front door and hugs LiLo, her face lights up like a BIC in front of a cigarette when she sees the cameras. It warms the rawest part of my dark heart seeing a fame whore reunite with her true soulmate: the camera. White Oprah’s mouth said, “Having Lindsay Lohan back in New York is one of the happiest days of my life,” but her face said, “Having the cameras on my face again is the happiest moment of my life!” Never forget Living Lohan.
And later when LiLo is going through more of her shit, she finds a Fetch t-shirt. She holds it up and White Oprah’s head burps out a question mark as though someone just asked her, “Quick, what’s your youngest’s first name?” White Oprah checks the label to see who made it, to which LiLo says, “It’s from Mean Girls.” Oh, don’t mind White Oprah, the drugs nibbled at most of her memories. White Oprah looked at the shirt and said, “awww,” as she thought about all the gin money she’ll make when she forges LiLo’s signature on that t-shirt and sells it on eBay.
Here’s a clip of LiLo reading a journal entry from one of her times in rehab and White Oprah being the worst by just being White Oprah. Last night’s episode definitely needed some Nana Lohan.