Jennifer Lawrence Is Relieved She Didn’t Win An Oscar This Year

March 6, 2014 / Posted by:

And in that picture, she looks like she’s either relieving the tension in her b-hole or relieving the tension in her vagine, or a little of both.

Jennifer Lawrence didn’t really seem to play the game this award season and she wasn’t out there campaigning hard. She was a no-show at a few award shows and she wasn’t pasting posters all over town that read: Keep It Rill: Vote 4 Jen! I read somewhere that she didn’t want voters to get sick of her and was kind of playing hard to get. But Radar says that Jennifer Lawrence really didn’t want to wrap her hands around her second Oscar, because she was afraid that if she won she’d go from being America’s Favorite Best Friend to being the name that can make a million hos dry heave at the same time. Bitch was afraid she’d be the new Anne Hathaway. So when Lupita Nyongo’s name was announced instead of hers, she queefed out four waves of relief. Radar’s source (Hi, Jennifer Lawrence’s publicist!) put it like this:

“Jennifer said she was so relieved she didn’t win because she didn’t want to go through what Anne Hathaway experienced. She’s very aware that the backlash is already coming anyway. And it wasn’t in a mean way, she was sort of joking because her and Anne are actually friends. But she just knew that if she won the Oscar again it’d be like a target on her back. en was just so happy she didn’t have to do any of the press. She just wanted to drink and celebrate!”

I kind of believe it, because when Lupita won, I could almost feel Jennifer Lawrence exhale. Or maybe that was my liver collapsing from drinking 4 liters of whiskey to get through that circle jerk of foolery. If this is true, it’s kind of funny. There’s Jennifer Lawrence saying to herself, “Please don’t say Jennifer Lawrence. Please don’t say Jennifer Lawrence…,” while they were announcing the winner of her category and later that night Leonardo DiCaprio was saying to himself, “Please say Leonardo DiCaprio. Please say Leonardo DiCaprio,” during his category. Hell, he probably said that the entire night, because he’d take an Oscar for anything at this point.

Leonardo DiCaprio would sex up a non-model over the age of 25 if it meant getting an Oscar. That’s how bad he wants one. And Jennifer Lawrence is wishing one away! I speak for Leonardo DiCaprio when I say: “Fuck you, Jennifer Lawrence! Fuck you! Oh, and can I hold your Oscar for a minute. Can I have a weekend with it? I’ll have it cleaned before I return it. Pleeeease.

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