Vivienne Jolie-Pitt Had To Be In Maleficent Because She Was The Only Kid Who Wasn’t Scared Of St. Angie’s Ass

March 5, 2014 / Posted by:

At the Oscars next year, Jared Leto will stroll out onto the stage, flip his luscious mane and he won’t have to open the envelope to announce the winner of Best Supporting Actress, because he’ll know and we’ll all know it will be Vivienne Jolie-Pitt. She’ll crawl onto the stage, burp, scratch her head and drag her trophy away while everyone gives her a standing ovation and loses their minds. And Vivi didn’t even have to try to get that role. All she had to do was be born out of the right chocha and not scream for her Godfather (who is actually God) when seeing her mom in full costume.

In Entertainment Weekly’s cover story about Maleficent, St. Angie Jolie says that one of the chosen ones had to play Young Aurora, because all of the little girls they auditioned ran away after seeing her looking like the evil ghost of a malnourished ram. Even Pax wanted to hold a crucifix up to her when he saw her:

“When Pax saw me for the first time, he ran away and got upset — and I thought he was kidding, so I was pretending to chase him until I actually found him crying. I had to take off pieces [of the makeup] in front of him to show him it was all fake and not freak out so much.

We think it’s fun for our kids to have cameos and join us on set, but not to be actors. That’s not our goal for Brad and I at all. But the other 3- and 4-year-old [performers] wouldn’t come near me. It had to be a child that liked me and wasn’t afraid of my horns and my eyes and my claws. So it had to be Viv.”

In the wise words of The Mighty O, let’s cut the bullshit, St. Angie. There are many 3-year-olds who will run toward St. Angie, because they’d want her ass to adopt them so they can shop at every toy store in the damn world, eat McDonald’s all the time and inhale the weed-induced breath that comes out of Brad Pitt’s mouth. St. Angie made the producers cast Vivi, because she wanted the extra check (not really). Dragging 10,000 kids around the world ain’t cheap.

And of course Brad and St. Angie don’t want their kids to go into acting. That ruins their plan of raising a child army who will one day take over the world and make all of us their slaves. We should just surrender now and get it over with.

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