The Crystal Enchantress Of The Ice Summoned To Court For Biting His Husband During A Fight

March 5, 2014 / Posted by:

A month before Johnny Weir made the Sochi Olympics even gayer by bedazzling it with the rhinestones he farts out, he went for the gold medal in the sport of biting a bitch during a lovers quarrel with his husband Victor Voronov. Biting?! Biting?! How trashy! Oh, Johnny, a truly regal swan doesn’t mess up his lip gloss by biting. He dramatically pulls off his white glove finger by finger and gracefully slaps that trick in the face back and forth.

Radar says that sometime in January, the icicle beauty, whose life was the inspiration for the biopic Frozen, got into a fight with Victor at their home in New Jersey. Since Johnny Weir’s previous form was a bitchy white teacup Pom Pom with glitter gel toenails and pink diamante barrettes in his fur, he bit Victor. Victor quickly learned that when you’re bitten by a Crystal Enchantress Vampire, your body responds by oozing white glitter out of its pores and the transformation is complete when you buy your first rabbit fur coat previously owned by a rich old lady at an estate sale and when your b-hole squirts out a single drop of hummingbird juice at the sight of a gold lambskin Chanel bag.

Right after the fight, Victor filed a police report. Johnny Weir sashayed into a court room in Lyndhurst, New Jersey yesterday to answer to the domestic abuse charges. The two must’ve kissed and made up since the fight, because Victor was with Johnny and asked the judge to dismiss the case. The judge did dismiss the case and probably because he was hypnotized by Johnny’s beauty and glamour. The judge actually complimented his mane:

When Weir approached the bench in an unusually subdued black ensemble, the judge took note of Weir’s impeccable style and apparent celebrity status, remarking: “Nice hairdo!”

Without stating any specifics about the case and charges, the judge asked if the “victim” was present and ordered Voronov to approach the bench.

Voronov asked the judge to dismiss the case – and the dismissal was granted.

Radar tried to talk to Johnny outside of the court house, but he refused to.

Johnny should be embarrassed. Johnny carries himself like a refined and genteel Upper East Side Russian widow who kills her enemies with a subtle side-eye and spits in their tea before she serves it to them, but yet he gets into some domestic abuse shit like a common piece of down river trash! How dreadful. Johnny should’ve suggested that they solve their differences by competing in a twirl-off, because: a) he’d win after the first twirl and; b) he’d deliver a new kind of graceful while doing so.

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