I get that it’s probably super overwhelming to hear Katniss Everdeen call your name after opening the fancy Oscar envelope, especially if you’re always two stoned sheets to the wind like Matthew McConaughey, but there’s no excuse for forgetting to thank your loved bongos. They’ve stood by him since the very beginning, encouraging him to JKL (just keep livin’) when the haters in his life were telling him to put on a shirt and get out of the sun before his facial skin turns into a piece of KFC Extra Crispy. Those bongos made you who you are today; a perpetual stoner with a severe shirt allergy who wrapped up his Oscar speech with “Awrite Awrite Awrite”.
I’m going to give the Texas T-Rex the benefit of the doubt on this one, because I’m sure if he had an extra minute of time, he would have no doubt thanked his bongos, the Ziploc bag in his freezer of the good shit, and that claw-thing Camilla gave him for Christmas that helps him reach stuff. But he only had 3 and a half minutes, so he had to make the most of it.
And make the most of it he did! I managed to stay mostly-sober for the 3 hours leading up to Matthew McConaughey’s win for Dallas Buyers Club, but I got so high from his first “Yeahahawww, thank you” that I started begging my IKEA floor lamp to run to Taco Bell and order me 8 Doritos Locos taco stuffed with cinnamon twists. Everything about his speech took me higher: from his impromptu TED Talk on God and the amazing visual of his Ghost Dad drunkenly dancing around a pot of gumbo in his underwear, to thanking his exquisite Texas Topaz mother and getting choked up over his wife. Stay sweet, stay stoned, never change.
Here’s more of a cleaned-up Wooderson with his wife Camilla, who gets two-thumbs-up from me for walking the red carpet in a pink Snuggie. She’s following the one rule I have about fashion: it should be comfortable enough to easily accommodate a nap.