If you happened to be anywhere on the east coast last night and caught yourself around 4:30pm with a strange ringing sound in your ears and a feeling as though someone had shotgunned the holy spirit into your lungs, you’re not alone. That sound you heard was trumpets heralding the arrival of St Angie onto the Oscar’s red carpet, followed by a choir of angels singing “Step aside 5s, two glittery 10s are coming through.” And that light-headed feeling you got was from the drop in air pressure after God saw that Brad Pitt actually combed his hair and collapsed in shock.
Since the Academy Awards ceremony is really just a prom for insanely famous millionaires, the only thing that matters is who wins Prom King and Queen (Best Actor and Actress) and what you’re wearing. But in the event it’s a year that Angelina Jolie graces the Oscars with her holy presence, you’re fucked, because you’re just going to end up looking like a pile of damp laundry in comparison to The Most Merciful.
Even though Angelina could show up wearing a trashy bikini cover-up and Brangeloonies would still openly weep at her feet, she arrived all glowwy, like an elegant chandelier that had just absolved the sins of humanity. Each bead and crystal looks like it represents a tear from every soul she’s saved. And immediately after she walked the red carpet, Zahara was forced to field calls from every interior decorator in Heaven. “I dunno Sebastien, I’d consider selling you a handful of crystals from the left sleeve, but they’re not going to sparkle like they do on my mom.”
Here’s more of Brangelina posing to their internal monologue of the Hallelujah chorus, along with everyone else. Sorry, everyone else; better luck next time.