I interrupt our regularly scheduled programming of you bringing you important Oscars news like what brand of butt plug John Travolta wore last night to tell you that a fetus has moved into ScarJo’s uterus! E! News says that ScarJo made her first fetus friend with her fiancé of 6 months, French journalist type Romain Dauriac whose luxurious hipster cockatoo mane puts half-melted butter on my baguette (and don’t try to visualize that unless you want your brain to quit on you).
TMZ says that the baby who will have to be hooked up to an oxygen mask while breastfeeding to keep from suffocating in ScarJo’s enormous, leche-filled chichis is about 5 months old. So I guess ScarJo and French Josh Hartnett celebrated their engagement the way everyone should celebrate their engagement: by non-stop raw dog boning. This kid will be ScarJo’s first kid and that’s kind of surprising since was she married to Ryan Reynolds. I mean, if you’re married to Ryan Reynolds, what else is there to do besides fuck all the time? It’s not like you’re going to have a conversation with him. You’d poop out a baby every 9 months and you’d have to poop them out since your coochie would be otherwise occupied by Ryan Reynolds’ peen. Duh.
Anyway, congrats ScarJo and the French Josh Hartnett! Congrats to the kinky fanboys with a pregnant fetish who might get to see a knocked up ScarJo in the Black Widow catsuit when Avengers starts filming again! And congrats to ScarJo’s future kid, because that kid already has a line of defense that works in every situation. If ScarJo gets pissed after catching her kid smoking the crack they killed a hobo for, all they have to say, “Well, at least I haven’t fucked Sean Penn.” Bitch can’t say shit to that.