Open Oscars Post: Hosted By The Crystal Enchantress Of The Ice And Tara Lipinski

March 2, 2014 / Posted by:

I’m going to guess that right now a single tear is rolling down your cheek (I’m not going to guess which cheek) at the stunning portrait of a butch and lipstick lesbian at their Cinderella-themed wedding. By the way, the one on the right is the butch one.

As that gold Oscar statue threw side looks of jealousy at Johnny Weir for sparkling more than it does, he and Tara Lipinski squeefed clouds of rhinestone dust into the air when they posed at the Oscars today. Since everybody jizzed out of their brains over Johnny Weir’s (and maybe, Tara Lipinski’s, I guess, probably not) Olympics coverage, Access Hollywood got them to do fashion commentary and interview celebwhores at the Oscars tonight.  It’s going to be really hard for Pee-wee Herman and Liberace’s glitter lube butt baby to interview celebrities while they’re gagging on his glamour.

It’s the night that some of us have prepared for all year long by guzzling down gallons of the sweet nectar. You need a high tolerance to get through all 10 hours of this shit. It’s Oscar times, when we all get wasted on sparkling wine bought at Rite-Aid while watching a bunch of hos in fancy dresses jack each other off. I think I just explained my junior prom.

I’ll throw up a few posts tonight, and Allison and I will cover most of the foolery tomorrow if my liver has jumped out of my ass and ran for safety.

Pics: AP, Getty

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