Another day, another Jackson family situation that’s as puzzling as Jermaine Jackson’s fringed edges.
A bizarre press conference was held today to announce that DNA results show that there’s a 99.9% chance that 31-year-old pop singer type Brandon Howard was made from Michael Jackson’s sperm fish. There’s also a 99.9% chance that you blankly stared at that last sentence before letting out a single “oh.” You will hold a press conference tomorrow to announce this development.
Brandon Howard’s mom is gospel singer Miki Howard and she was friendly with Michael Jackson and was managed by Joe Jackson. Miki Howard used to go by the nickname “Billy” and Brandon Howard was born a year before “Billie Jean” came out, so some hos think the song is about her.
TMZ says that some dude named Alki David, who owns some site called FilmOn.com, held the press conference today and he’s the one who ordered the DNA test. Alki David got Michael Jackson’s DNA from one of MJ’s old retainers he bought at an auction. Sounds legit! To add another layer of sleazy, greasy shadiness to this giant pool of sleazy, greasy shadiness, sad fame whore Corey Feldman was at the press conference. Corey told the reporters that Brandon is the spitting image of MJ. Oh, Corey, once again proving the lies a total mess will tell for a few drink tickets and a carton of cigs.
But Brandon Howard apparently wants nothing to do with this scheme. Brandon released this statement:
To my fans, family, and friends, despite recent allegations, I did not authorize the testing of my DNA to be compared to that of the late Michael Jackson nor did I contact TMZ regarding the publication of the story.
This spring, I agreed to be a part of a documentary with FilmOn.TV and was asked to give a sample of my DNA. Even though I agreed to this I never expected it to be used in this manner.
To this day, I have never claimed to be Michael Jackson’s son nor do I have any intention of pursuing the family’s estate.
Let’s recap. Michael Jackson supposedly had bareback sex with a woman. Brandon Howard gave his DNA to an almost-stranger for whatever reason. DNA was scraped off of a nasty, disgusting, old, used retainer that may or may not have spent time in Michael Jackson’s mouth. If I add all that up and press equal, I get the answer: bullfuckingshit.
I won’t believe it until Maury announces it, Detective La Toya tells me it’s so and Brandon Howard proves that he’s really a Jackson by doing what the Jacksons do best: sue a bitch for ridiculous amounts of money.
Although, after watching Brandon Howard’s video, I do get slight shades of MJ….
That kid is probably Joe Jackson’s son and that’s probably the meanest thing I’ve ever said about anyone.
Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel talked to a childbirth expert about birthing options, so either she’s come down with a case of the babies or she’s thinking about coming down with a case of the babies. I’m going to guess it’s the latter, because if she was knocked up she would’ve already announced it by running across the Oscar stage while screaming that she’s knocked up with Justin Timberlake’s baby. She’s subtle like that - Lainey Gossip
These pictures are lies and fallacies! Nicki Minaj is not a human, she is a Jim Henson creation made out of Muppet fur and wax. It took several prosthetic artists to transform her from her natural state (Muppet) into a human state for these pictures, obviously - Drunken Stepfather
Kelsey Grammer’s wife is pregnant with an extra zero on future child support checks – Celebitchy
Teresa Guidice is really coming up with new ways to make sure that her daughters are fucked up for life – The Superficial
On May 24th, France will declare on the US and we’ll deserve it. Calling it now – Reality Tea
I’m looking at this picture of that disgusting yet delicious milk and cookies shot and the only thing I’m thinking of is Bernie Mac saying, “Milk and cooooooooookeeeeees” – Towleroad
Is this a long-lost scene from Planet Earth? – IDLYITW
Either it was a seriously slow day on the ho stroll or the paparazzi once again thought that was Leighton Meester – Hollywood Tuna
Martha Stewart doesn’t know that the dildo is the ultimate good thing – Jezebel
What in the name of a runaway teenager hooker circa 1996 is Katy Perry wearing? – Popoholic
In shocking news, Pamela Anderson is still married to Rick Salomon – ICYDK
“You’re not going to fuck up my look like you fucked up your husband’s look, are you?” – that elephant – The Berry
Vintage Lenny and Zoe Kravitz – HuffPo
Jehovah’s Sexiest Witness will gladly dump your piece for you – OMG Blog
But Ireland Baldwin is still in love and going strong with her true soulmate Instagram – Just Jared
Leighton Meester’s engagement ring: here it is – Popsugar
Shailene Woodley needs to fall at least one time at the Oscars and flip off at least one reporter before I contemplate the answer to that first question – Moe Jackson
Isaiah Washington is going back to Grey’s Anatomy for a minute – SOW
And in that picture, she looks like she’s either relieving the tension in her b-hole or relieving the tension in her vagine, or a little of both.
Jennifer Lawrence didn’t really seem to play the game this award season and she wasn’t out there campaigning hard. She was a no-show at a few award shows and she wasn’t pasting posters all over town that read: Keep It Rill: Vote 4 Jen! I read somewhere that she didn’t want voters to get sick of her and was kind of playing hard to get. But Radar says that Jennifer Lawrence really didn’t want to wrap her hands around her second Oscar, because she was afraid that if she won she’d go from being America’s Favorite Best Friend to being the name that can make a million hos dry heave at the same time. Bitch was afraid she’d be the new Anne Hathaway. So when Lupita Nyongo’s name was announced instead of hers, she queefed out four waves of relief. Radar’s source (Hi, Jennifer Lawrence’s publicist!) put it like this:
“Jennifer said she was so relieved she didn’t win because she didn’t want to go through what Anne Hathaway experienced. She’s very aware that the backlash is already coming anyway. And it wasn’t in a mean way, she was sort of joking because her and Anne are actually friends. But she just knew that if she won the Oscar again it’d be like a target on her back. en was just so happy she didn’t have to do any of the press. She just wanted to drink and celebrate!”
I kind of believe it, because when Lupita won, I could almost feel Jennifer Lawrence exhale. Or maybe that was my liver collapsing from drinking 4 liters of whiskey to get through that circle jerk of foolery. If this is true, it’s kind of funny. There’s Jennifer Lawrence saying to herself, “Please don’t say Jennifer Lawrence. Please don’t say Jennifer Lawrence…,” while they were announcing the winner of her category and later that night Leonardo DiCaprio was saying to himself, “Please say Leonardo DiCaprio. Please say Leonardo DiCaprio,” during his category. Hell, he probably said that the entire night, because he’d take an Oscar for anything at this point.
Leonardo DiCaprio would sex up a non-model over the age of 25 if it meant getting an Oscar. That’s how bad he wants one. And Jennifer Lawrence is wishing one away! I speak for Leonardo DiCaprio when I say: “Fuck you, Jennifer Lawrence! Fuck you! Oh, and can I hold your Oscar for a minute. Can I have a weekend with it? I’ll have it cleaned before I return it. Pleeeease.“
I feel like we’re only a matter of time from a primetime gameshow called “Who’s Lupita Nyong’o Dating?” because everyone and their mom NEEDS TO KNOW who the Oscar winner is letting take her to Red Lobster (not a euphemism; actually meant Red Lobster). Personally, I’m just relieved she’s no longer linked to HPV Hipster Emo Jesus Jared Leto.
According to the Daily Mail, rumours started to swirl around Lupita and Somali-Canadian rapper K’naan (government name: doesn’t matter, all I can think about is dipping naan bread into butter chicken sauce) after K’naan was seen holding Lupita’s Oscar and hugging her outside of the Live! with Kelly and Michael studio. K’naan also Instagrammed a picture of the two of them in December but it’s just their teeth, so that could mean they’re dating or just that they’re in some Dental Appreciation Club. But I’m going to choose to believe they’re dating because as far as Canadian rappers go, Lupita picked a good one. The heirachy is as follows:
J-Roc from Trailer Park Boys
Tom Green that time he had a rap career
And if you’re into a dude who can get you day-old donuts at the end of his shift at Tim Hortons, Snow
I like these two together; the nerd in me enjoys that “Nyong’o K’naan” sounds like the name of an over-it Klingon waitress from the nice Sizzler on Rigel V. Mazel you two! Mazel for as long as it takes before someone catches Lupita high-fiving Jake Gyllenhaal or photo-bombing Adam Driver, and K’naan is given the boot from “Who’s Lupita Nyong’o Dating?” (so…what do we think? About 24-hours?)
Prince Hot Ginge continued to do God’s work today at a volleyball game during the launch of the Invictus Wounded Warriors Games in London and the “God’s work” I’m specifically referring to is him giving us beautiful images like this that were made to spend time with my Photoshop. He looks like a ginger roly-poly and it’s glorious. That picture makes me to risk bursting into flames (“But you’re already flaming” – you) by going into a church, so I can say a thankful prayer to the parents of the Knolls’ Brothers’ for creating the creators of Photoshop.
There’s really nothing more to say here. I have work to do. Legs up, ass out, goodnight.
On the Australian morning show Sunrise yesterday, lesbo-for-pay Katy Perry said that she kissed a girl and didn’t like it at all. The trick who’s put her mouth on Russell Brand’s parts said that when she kissed Miley Cyrus at Miley’s show in L.A., she was expecting a demure little peck and not some St. Angie and James Haven shit. Katy joked that she pulled away, because “God knows where that tongue has been.”
Well, the mutated hybrid of a hillbilly chipmunk and a radioactive lizard slapped at Katy on Twitter today and let a ho know that she is not the one to talk since her tongue has been on John Mayer’s tongue and if John Mayer’s tongue had a passport showing off all the places it’s been, it would be 300 pages long and read like Wikipedia’s list of infectious diseases.
In my post about this mess yesterday, I made the same easy joke that Miley did, but now that I think about it, none of those sucio tramps should talk. I’m sure they all have inadvertently touched tongues. Miley’s tongue touched Katy’s tongue and Katy’s tongue has touched John Mayer’s tongue and since John Mayer’s tongue has licked everything, it probably licked the dirty thong that Miley put in her mouth. The tongue nastiness has come full circle! And now I need to take a tongue scraper to my soul after thinking about all their tongues touching.
And Miley also tweeted this:
Did I really need to see a watercolor portrait of Snow White kissing Draco Malfoy in one of Nancy Kerrigan’s old costumes? That is the most disturbing part of all of this.
Because all her other best girlfriends were busy with SAT prep and yearbook committee, the sentient American Girl doll that is Taylor Swift had to call up one of her over-20 BFMLSILY’s (Best Friends? More Like Sisters! I Love You) to join her on a road trip to Big Sur. And since Taylor’s currently pushing the hard Single White Female sale to Karlie Kloss, the two cranked the Michelle Branch and let loose on the open road.
Both Taylor and Karlie Instagrammed the shit out of their trip (because if it didn’t happen unless it happened on Instagram) and after looking at all the pictures, I’ve come to the conclusion I would never ever ever want to take a road trip with Taylor Swift, because it was some Sisterhood of the Traveling Peppermint Marshmallows bullshit.
So much goddamn hugging and kissing and staring in wonder at trees and dancing along the sand like you’re in a fucking tampon commercial; these pictures are so artificially sweet, Snow White is looking at them thinking “Jesus, take it down a notch, you’re going to give the woodland creatures tooth decay.” And all we needed was Zooey Deschanel to pop out of an enchanted tree stump with a ukelele, singing a song about friendship, and you’d have the Strawberry Shortcake version of Crossroads.
Meth might’ve eaten Aaron Carter’s face and any dignity he had in his being, but it didn’t eat the undying love he feels for Hilary Duff. Hilary and Aaron “dated” when they were just 13 years old and that was over 14 years ago, but every night he blasts “Come Clean,” crawls into his Lizzie McGuire sleeping bag and as he stares at the photo collage of her he pasted onto his ceiling, he faps while crying. My thoughts and prayers go out to Aaron Carter’s neighbors who every night have to block out the sound of him fap-crying while screaming out the lyrics to “Come Clean.”
Aaron has let it be known on Twitter before that he wants Hilary Duff back. And yesterday, the Romeo of Florida once again figuratively threw tiny rocks at Hilary Duff’s bedroom window when he re-tweeted a picture of her and then spilled out this declaration of love, which will later be used in court when Hilary Duff tries to get a restraining order against his ass.
Don’t be that stupid douche that loses the love of your life forever..
I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to better myself to get back to her.
I don’t care what ANY of you think.
That tweet just gave me an anxiety attack
..people who have no idea who I am and/or what I’ve been through.
If you’re that interested watch my interviews or google me.
At least I’m real and don’t hide behind the persona of being a celebrity and an entertainer, &try to portray positive feelings all the time
On a lighter note it’s almost Easter and I want tons of candy to eat!!
Lindsay Lohan probably DMed Aaron with, “Aw, I never stopped loving you either, got any coke?” But Aaron told one of his followers that he was talking about his childhood girlfriend Hilary Duff.
If you think it’s creepy that Aaron is still slobbering over a girl he dated when he was 13, then you’re obviously the kind of monster who shits on true love and stabs cherubs for fun. Because true love will always prevail! 50 years from now, Aaron will be laughing at all the haters who thought he was a creepy motherfucker while cuddling on the couch with his wife of 49 years Hilary Duff as they watch their grandchildren play on the rug. You know, I think I just described the scene that Aaron is going to daydream about in his jail cell after the cops catch him licking Hilary Duff’s dirty panties in her bedroom.
And welcome to your future, Justin and Selena.
Yes, actual visual confirmation that Justin Bieber is able to go potty all by himself. You did it, Justin! You made a pee-pee on your own and for that, you get to choose if you’d rather have chicken nuggies or hot dogtopuses for dinner.
But back to the video. I thought I’d finally have reason to bust out the Guthy-Renker Portable Eye Gouger I got in my stocking at Christmas when it was announced a potty training video of Tantrum Toddler would be released. Sadly, the unopened Eye Gouger is still in my closet next to 200 boxes of Proactive, because the video was not bad enough to make my eyes scream in horror.
If I wasn’t told me this was a video of TT giving a urine sample in jail, I might have thought it was leaked security camera footage from the washroom at a Yo Gabba Gabba concert. It could also be a live stream from the wash station at an illegal dog groomers located in some shady fucker’s basement. Basically, what I’m trying to say is it’s nothing to get your diaper in a twist over.
And slow claps to the master-level trolling by the guy who’s job it was to censor Bieber’s junk. That giant black box is the dick-hiding version of a comically-oversized foam finger. There’s no way his dick is any larger than one of his Fisher-Price Little People, so choosing a black rectangle that big made me choke on my Baileys.