I think we’ve finally found the rabid hairy beast mother that gave birth to John Travolta’s tortured and angry wig, and it’s sleeping on Sean Penn’s head. Back away slowly and don’t make any sudden moves…. – Lainey Gossip
This True Detective parody is TOO real. Who ever does the subtitles for Here Comes Honey Boo Boo should supplement their income by doing the subtitles for True Detective, because the mumbled crap that comes out of their mouths making my ears spit out a “huh?” – The Berry
If you woke up today wondering if Kate Gosselin is still the worst, here’s your answer – Celebitchy
Imogen Poots looks like she was viciously attacked by nursery curtains - Drunken Stepfather
I’m pretty sure Amish strippers wear less clothes than MiserAlba did while playing a stripper in Sin City: A Dame To Kill For – The Superficial
Khlozilla bought Justin Bieber’s house and try not to look surprised when Pimp Mama Kris pulls one of his used cum rags out of the trash and uses it to knock up the Jenner girl that isn’t Kendall – Reality Tea
But why is Sarah Jessica Parker dressed like a 4-year-old girl wearing a dress her grandma made her over her ballet leotard? – IDLYITW
Class (and ass) is in session! Professor RuPaul teaches the Pit Crew how to sissy that walk – Towleroad
Victoria Silvstedt does the sugar daddy mating dance on the beach – Hollywood Tuna
Jennifer Lawrence’s best friend wrote a piece about what it was like being Jennifer Lawrence’s Oscar date and my only takeaway from it is: this is obviously some viral marketing for MySpace – Pajiba
“I’ll let you ride me” said a bunch of pervs to Mena Suvari while she wore a horseback riding outfit that I don’t think is meant to be a horseback riding outfit – Popoholic
Weight Watchers got their money’s worth two years later… – ICYDK
Russell Tovey’s ass kind of looks like Christina Hendricks’ chichis – OMG Blog
Katie Holmes is going back to TV - Just Jared
Karlie Kloss‘ understudy went to the gym and somewhere Karlie Kloss is asking herself, “Where did my ugly stars and strips sweater go?” - Moe Jackson
That’s an interesting looking dental dam that Michelle Rodriguez is wearing – Celebslam
Kristen Bell really isn’t fucking around with that #NoKidsPolicy thing – Boy Culture
via Reuters (Thanks N!)
Whispers From The Junior High School Cafeteria: Justin Bieber And Selena Gomez Are Hanging Out Again
Selena Gomez was recently in rehab for her addiction to booze, the good shit, Ambien and Justin Bieber, and while she was in there her family should’ve handcuffed her to a sturdy bed and brought in a Catholic priest to bust an exorcism on her. Because if you’re “addicted” to that Sizzurp-filled boil, then it’s obvious some dark-sided shit is possessing your body. Or you’re just dumber than a dried dingle clinging to a dog’s hairy ass. Well, whatever the case may be, Selena can’t stop getting her fix of the worst kind of bad shit. TMZ posted this picture of Selena and the swaggy Kid Sister doll coming out of a restaurant in McAllen, TX today after having breakfast together. It was like old times again when Selena had to change the Biebs Pampers in the bathroom after he made an oopsie poopy from eating too many chocolate chip pancakes.
TMZ says that after breakfast, Selena and the Biebs went to Starbucks and then to a perfumeria where he bought Obsession by Calvin Klein and Pour Homme by Givenchy. Selena is in Texas for a show on Saturday night and TMZ says that the Biebs has no other reason to be there, so he probably flew in just for her.
Yesterday, Justin Bieber was in Miami for a deposition in a civil suit filed by a pap who claims to have gotten whooped by one his bodyguards, and apparently he threw another hissy fit and left the room when lawyers started asking questions about Selena Gomez. So the emotions are still raw and nobody can burp the Biebs like Selena can. You know, a lot of hos say that Selena Gomez can do better, but after reading that she went to la perfumeria with him and allowed him to buy Obsession by CK in the year 2014, it’s obvious to me that she’s as much of a gross monster as he is. They deserve each other!
When I was in the 7th grade, I would sit at the cafeteria table gossiping with my cholita friends about the on-and-off relationship of two brats we hated. And here I am decades later, gossiping about the one-and-off relationship of two 13-year-olds (on the inside). I’ve really evolved as a human being.
Amber Heard was honored
for dating Johnny Depp at the Texas Film Awards (How many the fuck film awards do we need?) in Austin last night and she brought along the spirit of an old timey chimney sweeper trapped in the body of her fiancé Johnny Depp. Pussy so good it’s got Johnny Depp wearing a sad, deflated, burnt, unflavored soufflé on his head. They both look like every definition of mess. It’s like they were making their way to that shit when they got mugged and the thief stole all their clothes too, so they had to run into a community theater costume closet and wear whatever was in there.
Amber’s dress looks exactly like the shawl my abuelita draped over her praying table. If my abuelita saw Amber, she’d bend over her over, put Santo Nino jar candles from Rite Aid on her back and pray to Hay-Soos Christo for Johnny Deep to stop fighting the hot already. Johnny Deep isn’t only fighting the hot, he’s also fighting a visit to the dentist. He looks like he ate a chewing tobacco and caca sandwich and washed it down with Sochi tap water. Amber should put that huge diamond engagement ring to good use and use it scrape all the layers of shit off of Johnny’s teeth. Help your ho out, Amber!
Lindsay Lohan was on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon last night to promote her reality show masquerading as a serious documentary Lindsay: I’m Just Doing This For The Check and she says she’s really spiritual right now (read: gets all her coke blessed), is ready for a Mean Girls reunion and spoke like a true reality trick when she said that of course the producers picked the messiest time in her life to film her. After she dribbled out the same ole’ same ole’, Jimmy and LiLo sat down for a game of water war, where they threw cups of water at each other’s faces for 4 minutes. Some of you probably figured that one day you’d see a video of LiLo getting splashed in the face over and over again, but this is not what you were thinking of. And I know what’s really going on here. This is the health department and Jimmy Fallon’s ingenious way to get LiLo to take a shower. Well played, health department.
Never have I wanted more than to jack up the Whitney, dramatically reach through the screen of my laptop and rip that poor, defenseless Hand of Adonis dildo out of Miley Cyrus’s arms. That dildo can’t talk, but I bet if it could, it wouldn’t be able to because it’s suffering severe PTSD (post traumatic snatch disorder). Only Miley could tweet a picture of herself holding a dildo and turn it into a hostage situation.
But honestly, even if we rescued it right now, that dildo is a goner. If her tongue is any indication of what’s going on downstairs, I think it would be safe to assume that the open sewer grate she’s working with between her legs would dissolve most things it comes in contact with. So pray for dildo’s merciful death. And light all your best prayer candles for me, because I just imagined Miley shoving Powder’s severed arm up her chipmunk chocha and I started projectile vomiting like Regan McNeil in The Exorcist.
Because I’m not totally evil, I’d never leave you with the awful mental picture of Miley crotch-slamming a ghost hand, so please accept this palate cleanser in the form of Miley’s Marc Jacobs spring/summer 2014 campaign. Every high fashion photo shoot tells a story, and this is apparently the story of three sad sullen teenage sea hags who washed up on a Florida shore and immediately got busted for shoplifting pregnancy tests from Publix, but were later released because one of the police officers is a big Boy Meets World fan and thought Miley was Stuart Minkus.
When I was a kid, my friend had this shifty, mean bunny rabbit with pink eyes and every time I put my hand in his cage to pet him, bitch would show his teeth before biting me. I was dumber in the brains then, so I put my hand in his cage several times even though he’d bite at me every time. So thanks, Bob Costas, for opening up that childhood wound by giving me that picture.
Here I was thinking that Bob Costas’ Sochi Olympics pink eye came from him scratching his eye right after fingering a Russian hooker in the butt. But Page Six says that Bob Costas’ pink eye situation was born from botched Botox. Bob Costas wanted to be camera ready beautiful for the Olympics, so before he went to Russia he got shot up with that Nicole Kidman syrup. The bad Botox job didn’t only screw with his eyes, it screwed with his job too, because he had to sit out for a few days. Some source said, “Bob’s eye infection was due to botched Botox. This isn’t the first time he’s had it.”
A spokeswhore for NBC says it’s not true.
I have no doubt that Bob injects crap into his forehead that’s as synthetic as that toupee on his head, but I don’t think Botox does that to eyes. If getting your forehead shot up with suspect Botox gave you pink eye, half of the hos in L.A. would walk around with eyes looking like a cat’s prolapsed anus. That’s just good old-fashioned pink eye and I’m sticking with the hooker b-hole theory, which makes me wonder why Matt Lauer didn’t get pink eye too. Hmm, Matt probably uses finger condoms.
You know Lily Allen is officially back when the nonsensical fuckery that comes out of her mouth is making people rage. Welcome back, Lily!
“Hard Out Here,” the first single from Lily Allen’s new album is a parody of pop songs and I thought it had a prom-feminism message. But I guess I thought wrong, because in a messy, messy interview with the Shortlist, Lily says it’s not that deep and she wasn’t trying to burp out a feminist anthem for the ages.
“It just seemed like a good one to start with. I wasn’t trying to write a think-piece, it just evolved. It wasn’t a big attempt to tackle anything.”
Lily sings about the music industry judging women in “Hard Out Here” and she says nothing has really changed, but that men aren’t the enemy. If Lily performed on SNL, she’d shout, “Fight the real enemy,” before ripping up a picture of an XX chromosome. Everything Lily Allen knows about feminism she learned by watching Real Houswives, because she says that women are shitty to women and she does have a point, but then she lost me when her brain made a sharp right turn on Cocaine Way.
“It’s much the same. But I don’t think men are the enemy, I think women are the enemy. I know that when I’m sitting in a restaurant and a really beautiful woman walks in, who’s skinny, I instinctively think, “Oh she’s really skinny and beautiful and I’m really fat and ugly.” Every man I speak to always says they find that kind of woman gross, and they prefer a bit more meat on their ladies. So it’s more of a competitive thing. It’s weird. It’s just really unhealthy and we’re our own worst enemy. We should stop being so horrible to each other.”
So according to Lily, a chick will look at a skinny chick and think she’s beautiful, but a dude will look at that same skinny chick and get the wet heaves and not in a good way? But women are the enemy? I think I sort of get the “we’re our own worst enemy” point that Lily is trying to make, but then she goes on to say that men want to fuck her, but don’t want to fuck skinny chicks, which I guess proves her point about women being shitty to other women. I don’t know. Let’s move on….
One of Lily’s songs on her new album Sheezus (yes, that’s the title) is about women in music, but again, she says she wasn’t trying to get deep. Then she goes on to say that EVERYBODY IS EQUAL!!!!
“It just dribbled out! It’s not supposed to be provocative and it’s not attacking anyone, although it does namecheck a few people. It’s about how girls are pitted against each other, unlike men. I know you had it in the Nineties with Blur versus Oasis, but it’s not the same thing. It’s like ‘Who looks the best?’, ‘You’re getting too old to do this, you shouldn’t be doing that’. There seems to be a moral undertone when women are concerned that doesn’t happen with men, and that’s what that song is about. Stop this now [laughs]. Feminism. I hate that word because it shouldn’t even be a thing any more. We’re all equal, everyone is equal so why is there even a conversation about feminism? What’s the man version of feminism? There isn’t even a word for it. There’s no reason for it. Menanism. Male-ism. It doesn’t exist.”
Lily says that feminism shouldn’t be a thing anymore, but then when she started to get hate about her words on Twitter, she declared herself a feminist. Lily’s brain: How does it work?
— Lily Allen (@lilyallen) March 7, 2014
I just… You know, I’m just going to stop here and wish all you wimmuns a Happy International Women’s Day! Oh wait, we’re all equal now. Happy We’re All Equal Day!
That bro throwing a “Wassup?” face is really what makes this picture a portrait of true royal romance.
Cressida Boners (which is also a condition Toyota fanboys suffer from when they go to the Detroit Auto Show) and Prince Hot Ginge made their first public appearance together at the inaugural WE Day UK at Wembley Arena in London today, and she took advantage of their time in public to kiss his cheek in front of the photographers. Cressida Boners has been at the forefront of the highly important Bring Back The Scrunchie Movement, so I want to like her, but she’s making it really hard. I just can’t trust a trick who doesn’t immediately give birth to four oceans of panty pudding when her lips touch any part of PHG. I’ve been refreshing the BBC’s site all morning and I don’t see any reports of panty pudding flooding at Wembley Arena, so it seems like Cressida didn’t have a natural reaction to cheek kissing PHG. When a chick kisses PHG, her coochie should be barfing like a Lard-Ass at a pie-eating contest. That is a normal reaction! The hell is wrong with her? She’s either a robot made of metal parts or she’s wearing a 10-gallon Diva Cup to make sure her panty pudding doesn’t squirt everywhere.
Cressida and PHG making their FIRST PUBLIC APPEARANCE AS A COUPLE!!! means that my hope of seeing permanently hungover mess Chelsy Davy as a British princess is probably not going to happen. Cressida Boners doesn’t have that gorgeous “just woke up in a puddle of her drunk barf on the floor of a pub bathroom” look that Chelsy does, but PHG could do worse. At least he’s not dating that orange Styrofoam peanut Pippa Middleton.
And no, that picture does not make me want to sharpen my shake. I’m not jealous of that tramp at all! If you replaced Cressida with me, PHG with my Ashton Drake Prince Harry Doll and all those people with the wrappers of the Snickers I eat to drown my feelings, you’d have my Saturday night.
The reason it smells like hot shrimp diapers on the West Coast this morning is because Kesha’s back in Los Angeles today after spending two months battling an eating disorder at the Timberline Knolls treatment facility in Illinois. And unlike some people we know, Kesha actually looks like she got along well with rehab. Glitter manufacturers everywhere are wiping away reflective tears of joy and firing up the glitter cannons because their queen has returned!
But the most obvious proof Kesha is doing better? She’s dropped that dumbs dollar sign from her name! I like to imagine one of her councillors sat her down and was like “Look, we’ll get to the eating disorder shit in a second, but first we need to talk about spelling your name with a dollar sign. It looks like your birth certificate was filled out by a halitosis-covered gold grill in the parking lot of a swap meet.” So now she’s Kesha-no-dollar-sign, and the first thing she tweeted to her fans from her new Twitter handle didn’t sound like an bath salts-snorting mess of used baby wipes (it’s amazing what dropping that $ from your name can do to raise your intelligence level):
Happy to be back! Feeling healthy & working on tons of new music. I can’t thank my fans enough for all the love & support u have given me
Obviously I have no idea if Kesha actually wrote something that eloquent or if she just put on a pair of glasses like Tracy Jordan does when he’s pretending to be smart and dictated the Tweet to her assistant, who then translated her gibberish Raver Nell speak into what we see here. But she’s fresh out of rehab, so let’s give this pastel freon-huffing fraggle the benefit of the doubt.