The fate of Lux, the raging fat pussy who scratched at a baby and held a family hostage in a bedroom, was left up in the air after the police caught his crazy ass and jailed him in a crate. I guessed that Lux would escape out of his crate and assemble an army of fellow angry pussies to get revenge on all of us humans. But Lux’s family says they’re going to keep him and they’re getting him help. Uh huh, they better also get their baby a onesie and bonnet made of armor, because you know Lux is ready for round two.
Lux became an overnight hero to Not The One Pussies everywhere when he went full crazy on Lee Palmer, Teresa Barker and their baby Jesse after Lee kicked him in the ass for scratching Jesse. After barricading themselves in a bedroom in their Portland, OR apartment, Lee called 911 and told the operator that Lux has a “history of violence” and that he “went over the edge.” The cops showed up and after they cleaned up the piss that trickled out of their pant legs from laughing so damn hard, they caught Lux and put him in a crate. Lee and Teresa said at the time that they weren’t sure what they were going to do with Lux. Yesterday, Lee and Teresa told reporters that they’re going to make it work with Lux and a pussy psychologist (Side note: I bet Dimitri the Lover has “pussy psychologist” on his business cards). via HuffPo
Two days after police arrived to subdue the 4-year-old part-Himalayan cat, owner Lee Palmer of Portland said he’s taking the feline to a veterinarian. A pet psychologist also is due at the house to see the cat, named Lux.
“We’re not getting rid of him right now,” Palmer said. “He’s been part of our family for a long time.”
Lee also dropped a little important fact about the details of the night that Lux “terrorized” his family. Lux scratched at the baby after the baby PULLED HIS TAIL! So Lux reasonably declares a massacuh after Jesse pulls his tail and Lee ass kicks him and he’s the one who’s gotta lay down on a tiny sofa and spill out his anger issues to a head doctor?! This is obviously a set up. I thought Lux came at that baby because he was jealous, but now I see that baby is trying to get Lux out of the picture. I see you, trouble-making baby.
But whatever, I hope that by “pet psychologist” they really mean “Jackson Galaxy” and I hope to see all of this unfold on a future episode of My Cat From Hell.
Because if anybody can save the day, it’s this pussy whisperer.
The first time I read Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark, it scared me so bad, that for 2 goddamned years I was afraid a no-good spider would birth her babies in my skin if I fell asleep. So I’m pouring out a Scooby Doo glass of lukewarm tap water for the poor unsuspecting rugrats who will no doubt have years of bone-chilling therapy sessions after reading a children’s book written by Keith Richards, a man who looks like a Ralph Steadman fever dream took a shit on the Boogeyman.
HuffPo says that the second most frightening-looking Rolling Stone (the first being Ronnie Wood) has signed a deal with Little, Brown Books for Young Readers to write “Gus & Me: The Story of My Granddad and My First Guitar”, a story about Richards’s grandfather, Gus Dupree, which will be co-written by Barnaby Harris and Bill Shapiro, and illustrated by Keith’s daughter Theodora Richards.
Praise Cheetos that it’s a story about Lil’ Keith Richards, aka before he turned into a wrinkly heroin goblin, because I think current-day Keith Richards is legit too scary for kids under 10 (or people over 20 who’s drug hallucinations include scary old people). And double-praise the snack gods that he has two helpers who’s job it is to translate the gibberish Keith’s lizard brain burps out. Imagine if Keith Richards was left to his own devices and allowed to write the book himself? We’d get a 3-page pamphlet written on an airplane sick bag called ‘Countin’ Wif Keif’ and it would just be a collection of cigarette butts, lint-covered Viagra, and scabs.
And if Keith Richards wants to keep writing after he’s done his children’s book, I’d love to read a tell-all co-written by his liver.
Lindsay Lohan’s snatch has probably seen more peen than the Scientology glory hole on John Travolta’s birthday (yes, potent jealousy oozed out of my finger pores when I typed that), so when I read that she made a fuck list of the 36 famous dicks that have visited her freckled crotch carniceria at least once, I thought to myself, “Only 36?!” LiLo needs to step up her star fucker game, because I would’ve guessed that her celebrity fuck list would be longer than a Jonathan Franzen novel or had just three words on it: ALL OF THEM.
InTouch Weekly claims that on a night in January 2013, LiLo and her friends were getting drunk at a bar in the Beverly Hills Hotel and she made a list of every piece of famous (or semi-not-really famous) ass she’s had. The source shat this out:
“They were giggling and talking shit about people in the industry. It was her personal conquest list. She was trying to impress her friends with the list and then tossed it aside. The list has some pretty big names on it, and they’re not all single guys. This getting out now could rock several Hollywood relationships to the core.”
And LiLo just so happened to have a Scattergories (more like Scatterwhories, no, I don’t know what that means) score sheet on her to write the list on.
On the list is PC Valmorbida, Joaquin Phoenix, Nico Tortorella, Evan Peters, Wilmer Valderrama, Jamie Burke, Jamie Dornan, Zac Efron (coke really does make you do some fucked up shit), Justin Timberlake, Colin Farrell, Heath Ledger, Ryan Rottman, Max George, Guy Berryman, James Franco and Adam Levine.
InTouch didn’t burp out all of the names, because they’re milking this. In their next issue, they will reveal more names including the name of a really rich and newly engaged TV star (Charlie Sheen, duh), a newly single A-lister and an Oscar-winning actress’ ex-husband.
If that list is real and it isn’t a figment of LiLo’s coked-up imagination, her pussy should clap for itself, because there’s some hot pieces on that list. And speaking of the clap, the Beverly Hills free clinic would like to see every dude on this list, except for Adam Levine and Colin Farrell since those two sluts are already VIP patients.
Because I’m a dum-dum who’s only real knowledge of New Zealand starts and ends with Lord of the Rings, I immediately imagined Chris Pine getting pulled over by Frodo and Samwise in a Hobbit-sized police car and arrested after they smelled Shire beer on his breath.
Regardless of what actually happened, that’s what I’m choosing to believe. But for those of you who want the non-nerd version of what went down with Captain Kirk, here’s whats up. According to Radar, Chris Pine had recently wrapped filming in New Zealand on the film Z for Zachariah and was seen getting buzzed on good-time juice at a local bar till about 2:30am. Then Pine left the bar and was arrested on suspicion of driving drunk, which was confirmed when he blew over the legal limit of .08 percent. Damn Chris, you couldn’t leave your car at the bar and ride a sheep back to your hotel instead?
However – and here’s where the story actually gets better than imagining Frodo Baggins, PD – New Zealand police didn’t identify Chris Pine by name; they only referred to Chris Pine as a ’33-year-old American man’. Which America? There’s a north and a south. But I’m willing to give them a pass, since my dumb ass once referred to the movies I watched growing up as “American movies” (because I have maple syrup instead of blood running through my veins, and apparently a pile of snow where my brain should be).
Evidence from Michelle Duggar’s latest gyno exam showed that her eggs are now ready to defend themselves from incoming sperm at any cost. - Cookie-Slore
Upvote winners (it’s a tie!):
How vaginas look to Tommy Girl and Jorn Tramolto. – ANightWriter
Penis flytrap – Flashlight Melon
Smurf Berry Crunch cereal!
Sometimes when I wake up in the morning, the descrambled bootleg cable box in my head plays memories from the past like today when it played the commercial for Smurf Berry Crunch from the early 80s. Smurf Berry Crunch was definitely the healthiest cereal of the 80s, because those little corn syrup period dingles had 10 essential vitamins and minerals! TEN! And I thought my regular breakfast of a bowl of white sugar with a splash of milk and the insides of one Centrum gel cap was healthy.
But the best thing about Smurf Berry Crunch is that it turned the milk blue. When you drank it, you knew what it was like feeding from Smurfette’s flat chichis. Correction: You knew what it was like feeding from Papa Smurf’s chichis, because I’m pretty sure his produced more leche.
And as for the commercial…
Some says that Tchaikovsky’s best work is Swan Lake, but personally I think his greatest work was the score he composed for the Smurf Berry Crunch commercial.
Pete Doherty (35)
Elly Jackson (26)
Danny Jones (28)
Aaron Eckhart (46)
Darryl Strawberry (52)
Courtney B. Vance (54)
Marlon Jackson (57)
Lesley Manville (58)
Ron Jeremy (61)
James Taylor (66)
Mitt Romney (67)
Liza Minnelli (68)
Al Jarreau (74)
Barbara Feldon (81)
Edward Albee (86)
If you’re the one who once said a prayer to the universe to please gift us with pictures of a weaved-up, furry Jake Gyllenhaal baring his hot Hank Hill ass and wearing a taped down cock curtain while banging a pan in Rome, we all owe you a thank you. Yes, I’ll take Jake looking like he’s playing Jesus in Brokeback Nazareth - Lainey Gossip
Does this mean Lena Dunham will never fulfill her destiny of starring in a live-action version of the Little Critter movie? – The Superficial
When you tell Mindy Kaling she needs more diversity in her cast, she’ll plug her eyes and say, “nananananana I’m a fucking Indian woman with my own show nananna” – Celebitchy
Is Miley Cyrus looking for her missing ass in Amazon Ashley’s tits? – Drunken Stepfather
The real truth is that JLo wouldn’t save anyone, because she doesn’t want to ruin her gel manicure by putting her hands in all that damn saltwater – Jezebel
Okay, but why does Nicki Minaj’s outfit looks like an 80s businesswoman’s jogging suit? – Hollywood Tuna
Hodor from Game of Thrones is gay and yes, yes I would – Towleroad
The trailer for the new season of Scenes From A Wax Museum Fire (copyright: Tina Fey) is here – Reality Tea
Julianne Hough kind of looks like a prettier Derek Hough now. Trying to get Ryan Seacrest back, I see… – Popoholic
The Louisiana Trailer Park Flower that is Brit Brit once again ruins an exquisitely elegant ensemble with UGGs – IDLYITW
Juliette Lewis says she’s quit all the bullshit and yet she’s still got a Scientology membership card in her wallet – ICYDK
Dear #24, John Travolta wishes he had your problems – The Berry
The shit us humans do with our time on Earth never ceases to amaze me – Tosh.0
Nicki Minaj spends her vacation doing what Nicki Minaj always does, even when she’s not on vacation – HuffPo
Real love is being able to sniff your piece’s pits while you’re standing and posing for a picture together – Popsugar
It’s pretty fitting that the Vladimir Pootin butt plug looks constipated - OMG Blog
Only Tilda Swinton can wear a Santa Fe’s grandmother’s throw rug and pull it off – Just Jared
Shouldn’t they temporarily change the title to 3 Broke Girls? – Celebslam
And this keeps happening. One minute, there’s rumors that Lupita Nyong’o is hearing the words, “Honey, touch anything but the hair,” every night, because she’s doing Jared Leto. The next minute, there’s rumors that she’s dating a Canadian rapper whose name doesn’t start with “Wheelchair” and doesn’t end with “Jimmy.” And now here’s pictures of the delicate vampire Jesus and Lupita eating a meal in Paris together. Eh, it’s probably nothing. They’re just having a kiki and sharing beauty secrets. But Uncle Terry was there and he’s the one who took these pictures.
If you’re having a really hard time pissing today because your genitals jumped off of your body, crawled to the nearest catholic church and are now cleansing themselves in holy water, I’m going to guess that you read the latest Uncle Terry horror story that made the rounds yesterday and today. A woman wrote about how when she was 19, she went to a photo shoot thinking she was going to take some regular, old naked pictures with Uncle Terry and she walked out with his dried jizz on her face.
So, well, here’s Lupita posing for Uncle Terry and worse, she’s wearing his hipster goggles. When her cheek skin rots and slips off of her face and she gets a quadruple dose of potent pink eye, she’ll realize that putting that nasty skank’s glasses on wasn’t the best life decision she’s made.
Chelsea Handler was on Piers Morgan’s soon-to-be-dead CNN show to whore out her book Uganda Be Kidding Me (which I’m sure will be turned into a feature film produced by Oprah and directed by Steve McQueen), and as people who hate both of those messes said a prayer for CNN to lock the doors from the outside and unleash a thousand Luxes on them, she verbally kicked him in the taint repeatedly. During commercial break, Piers’ face was glued to his phone and he ignored Chelsea, so when they came back she gnawed his ass off with her teeth and handed it to him in front of all his viewers. It was beautiful. The first 45 seconds in the video above is of Chelsea shitting on Piers, but if you’re not into seeing that in moving picture form, here it is in word form only:
Piers – You tweet, very amusingly.
Chelsea – I wish you did.
Piers – Hahahahahahaha…
Chelsea – I mean in the middle of the commercial break…. I want your viewers to know, they must know, because they’re probably following you on Twitter. I mean, you can’t even pay attention for 60 seconds. You’re a terrible interviewer.
Piers – Well you just weren’t keeping my attention.
Chelsea – But, that’s not my problem.
Piers – That is your problem!
Chelsea – This is your show. You have to pay attention to the guests that you invited on your show.
Piers – If they’re interesting enough.
Chelsea – Yeah, listen. It doesn’t matter how interesting I am. You signed up for this job.
Piers – Of course it does!
Chelsea – Well, maybe that’s why your job is coming to an end.
Piers – Ahahahahahaha! Wooooooow.
Chelsea – Wow.
Piers – Don’t want to cross you, do we?
Chelsea – I don’t know, do you?
Piers – I quite like to cross you. I like you when you’re being nasty.
Chelsea has been on Pier’s show before and he has been on her show, and this is kind of they’re thing. They always whip at each other back and forth with words. I think those sick bitches are into it. I bet that after the show, Chelsea put a chain link collar on Piers and dragged him back to the dungeon behind a hidden door in his dressing room. She tied him to a wooden rack, put a ball gag in his mouth and in between smoking vodka out of a vaporizer (it’s less calories, thankyouverymuch), she called him a piece of shit, a loser, a terrible interview, etc… etc… Then she spit on his face and called his assistant to untie him. He falls a little more in love with her every time she curses him out. It’s like Fifty Shades of Ugh.
When Piers says that he likes it when Chelsea’s nasty, I could feel his nipples get hard. Yes, feeling Pier’s nipples get hard feels a lot like the feeling you felt while watching Justin and Selena’s dirty dance of infinite love.