Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux haven’t been papped together for 86 days, 14 hours, 12 minutes and 45 seconds (I made those numbers up, but I’m sure a high level Brangeloonie will correct me), but yesterday they mysteriously came out of Barney’s in NYC together on the same day that two new US posters for Maleficent came out. Coincidence, I think not! Jennifer Aniston’s team obviously hacked into the system of Disney’s marketing department, found the exact date when they were planning to release the new US posters for Maleficent and then she staged a choreographed pap stroll with Anarchist Eddie Munster on the same day. What won’t that shameless heffa do to get all the attention on her?! And of course she had to borrow Beyonce’s Temper-Pedic Bump® to get her 500th “THERE’S A BABEH IN THERE” cover of Life & Style. I’m surprised she didn’t stop in front of the paps and queef out a newborn real quick. She’s probably saving that move for Maleficent’s release date.
*This post sponsored the International Association of Brangeloonies Against Aniston Stunts*
That’s the look that says “Why yes, you are catching top notes of asparagus and Nevada rest stop men’s room floor. If you give it a second, you should get a warm finish of Kindergarten nap time.”
During an appearance on Live! with Kelly and Michael, pap-hating elfin sloth enthusiast Kristen Bell answered some questions about the tight mermaid-style dress she wore to the Academy Awards, and just like everything in life, the convo turned to pissing. According to People, when co-host Michael Strahan asked her if her Roberto Cavalli gown was comfortable to sit in (because that’s all you do at the Oscars is sit for a thousand hours) she replied:
“Nope. And I didn’t realize that until I got into it. There was a situation … there was a Mason jar involved.” When the audience giggled, she laughed and said, “Like you guys haven’t peed into a Mason jar before in a huge ball gown!”
I have so many questions (the first of which being “Ew?”): How many times was she pissing in that jar – was it a one-time thing, or did she have a small Smuckers jar tucked away in her purse, collecting piss like someone’s crazy backwoods Uncle? If the dress was so tight that she couldn’t pull it up to use a toilet, how did she have enough room to scootch a glass jar up there? Is jar pissing that common at the Oscars? Is there a poor washroom attendant who’s job it is to collect the endless jars of urine that collect in the ladies room? Forget the Pizza Guy, Urine Lady is the one who needs that $1000 tip.
And a note to Roberto Cavalli: people are pissing in your dresses. If you want your couture to stop being returned to you smelling like hospital bedsheets, start including a Stadium Gal with every dress.
I guess Kristen Bell learned her lesson, because here she is at the Veronica Mars premiere in New York wearing a dress that could easily accommodate popping a squat (bonus points for picking a color and a fabric that won’t show visible splash back):
Lorde, the Emily the Strange doll with a spiral perm who was brought to life by The Craft witches, and 7 year high school senior Taylor Swift are friends, because 24-year-old Taylor has to take every teenage celebrity girl under her wing. Taylor has a lot of ~wisdom~ to share with the youngins, and teenagers won’t totally judge her when she wants to do something edgy like steal two bottles of Mike Hard’s Cranberry Lemonade from 7-Eleven and drink ‘em under the bleachers after curfew.
The two have been papped together, so while talking about her upcoming tour in Australia on KIIS 1065′s Kyle & Jackie Show, trolling radio troll Kyle Sandilands asked Lorde about her relationship with the walking Big Sister Club of America (And Beyond). Kyle tried to act like he wasn’t asking Lorde if her and Taylor are starring in a real-life remake of Blue Is The Warmest Color (but since it’s Taylor, it would be called Lemon Meringue Blonde Is The Warmest Color), but that’s what he was asking. Lorde wasn’t here for his Taylor Swift questions or for his lesbian jokes.
Kyle: Are you bringing your new bestie Taylor Swift? I see you guys in pictures everywhere. Are you guys together now?
Kyle: Not together, like as in lesbian, I’m not talking “Ellen” together. I’m talking about, you guys are friendly, right?
Lorde: What do you mean you’re not talking about “Ellen together.” Is there something wrong with lesbians? Is that what you’re trying to say?
Kyle: Oh my god no, I would love that. I would totally love that. Are you going to confirm you’re in a lesbian relationship with her?
Lorde: Don’t even try it.
The hell kind of question is that? Lorde is 17 (here comes the Lorde age truthers) and I know Taylor is a chickenhawk who likes them young, but I’m pretty sure 18 is her cut off. Lorde & Taylor (I bought my mom a scarf there once) are just a teenage girl and a 24-year-old woman who thinks she’s a teenage girl doing teenage girl stuff together as friends! That’s all. Besides Taylor doesn’t have time for a full-time relationship. She’s much too busy doing other things like breaking into Karlie Kloss’ closet and taking notes of all the clothes in there so she can buy the same things and studying hours upon hours of footage of Karlie Kloss’ breathing pattern so she can replicate it. Dating a 17-year-old? That’s crazy. Taylor isn’t that creepy!
Last night, the 1,985th season of The Bachelor was supposed to come to an end with that sentient bottle of Massengill douche, Juan Pablo Galavis, proposing to one of the two remaining ladies desperately competing for an engagement ring. And how there were even two women who willing chose to stick around is still an unsolved mystery; I’m sure there are strains of flesh-eating bacteria that want nothing to do with that self-obsessed greasy bag of vingear-based chocha wash.
However, the show ended with a ring, just not on THAT FINGER. When it came time for Juan Pablo to choose between Clare Crawley and Nikki Ferrell, he sent Clare home (who kind of left in a restrained Half Baked way). But instead of getting down on one knee and asking Nikki to be his fiancé for 6 weeks or 3 Us Weekly covers (whichever comes first), he told her he wasn’t really ready for a serious commitment. Then he got into his car and hauled ass back to Neil Lane where he returned the ring for cash, because he’s 2 weeks late with his half of the rent and his mom is being a major pain in the ass about it.
Then Juan Pablo and Nikki agreed to a live interview with host Chris Harrison, during the entirety of which Juan Pablo looked like a guy who’s trying to convince people at an office party that his date isn’t an escort. It was 1000 shades of awkward was thrown into a blender with Justin Bieber’s deposition video and pureed until it reached the consistency of an accidental lube fart. The clip above is literally 1/10th of the smug assholery Juan Pablo gifted us with last night: he kept giving stink face to Chris Harrison, he called out all the people talking shit about him online (aww, Juan Pablo, you shouldn’t have!), and he kept bragging about how he was so glad to be done with The Bachelor.
At which point it would have been the perfect time for Molly the dog come out and bake a bootycake right there on the stage as a way to say “Yeah, the feeling is mutual.”
You probably read that headline and thought to yourself, “Alec Baldwin must be stopped!”
If that legendary video from last December of a Not The One Pussy busting some Mortal Kombat shit on the asshole who kicked him taught us anything, it’s that you should never kick a cat unless you want to end up on the local news after it makes you its bitch. Teresa Barker and her boyfriend Lee Palmer of Portland, Oregon learned this the hard way on Sunday night when their crazed cat Lux held them hostage in their bedroom after Lee kicked that pussy (that’s called pulling a Michael Lohan) for attacking their 7-month-old baby Jesse.
Lee Palmer later told the police and WBTV that he watched Lux come at and scratch Baby Jesse, but he didn’t say why Lux attacked his baby. Is Baby Jesse a genius who can read the minds of cats and knew Lux was planning to overthrow the household? Did Baby Lux have that hussy’s number? Was Lux pissed that he was no longer the star of the house? We’ll never know until Baby Jesse learns how to talk and tells us what really happened in a follow-up to this highly important story in 3 years. We better get a follow up to this highly important story in 3 years.
After Lee watched Lux scratch his baby, he “kicked the cat in the rear.” SHOTS FIRED! That was the beginning of the end for the Palmer-Barker family. Getting kicked in the ass sent Lux over the edge and rage filled that 22lb pussy (“Why do I feel like I’ve written that down in a patient’s file before?” – Lil’ Kim’s gynecologist). Lux was out for human blood, so Lee Palmer, Teresa Barker (based on her last name, she’s obviously a natural born dog lover), Baby Jesse and their little dog barricaded themselves in the bedroom as that mad pussy tried to get in. They called 911 and the call is why I laughed myself awake this morning when I heard it.
The fluent felinese speakers out there can correct me if I’m wrong, but “RAAAAAARRRRRRRR!” translates to “I’m the captain now!” in English, right?
The cops arrived and when they tried to catch Lux, who has a “history of violence,” with a dog snare, that pussy tried to flee custody. They eventually got him and put him behind bars in the family’s home. The family doesn’t know whether or not they’re going to keep Lux.
Oh, they’ll never have to make that decision. It’s only a matter of time before Lux escapes out of his crate, puts on a beret and joins the other cat comrades in the Pussy Takeover Movement. Captain Lux and the other cats who are sick of us humans controlling everything will one day strike and make us all their slaves. We should prepare by buying all of the laser pointers at Staples. It’s going to be a vicious, vicious battle. It’s going to be a little adorable too, but mostly vicious.
President Barack Obama appeared on Zach Galifianakis’s fake-ish/real-ish talk show Between Two Ferns to promote the Affordable Healthcare Act website and generally be very Obama-y. But I forgot everything important he was trying to say the second they started throwing POTUS-level shade at each other, and I loved it even if it is obviously scripted to hell and back (I don’t doubt Barry can read a bitch, but unless he spends all of his downtime watching Drag Race clips, he’s not that quick).
The video is six-and-a-half minutes long, which in internet video time is like watching the fucking Lord of the Rings movies back to back, (perspective: you could literally re-watch that slutty iguana make out with a golf ball 13 times) but it’s worth watching the whole thing just to see Obama make the same exasperated over-it face he probably makes every time an email from Sarah Palin pop up in his inbox.
Kotex’s new marketing campaign– “So big, even YOUR husband can find it in the store.” – Bruinschick
I don’t know whose that is, but she can probably handle the Hammaconda. – OurMissC
If anybody asked me last night what the highlight of my Monday was, I’d definitely say that it was watching a thrilling, riveting video of an iguana flirting, kissing and trying to eat a golf ball before leaving that golf ball feeling cold, lonely and confused right there on the green. I watched this video of a dance between an iguana and a golf ball at the 2014 Puerto Rico Open four times. The time change has affected me in ways I didn’t think it would ever affect me.
And if you landed on this post after Googling, “Courtney Stodden teabag swallowing balls,” then enjoy, you sick fuck. Because this is a million times hotter than what you were looking for.
via Bleacher Report
Sam Donaldson and his fantastically glorious eyebrows, which kind of look like two dueling weasels to me (80)
Johnny Knoxville (43)
Anton Yelchin (25)
Melissa Rycroft (31)
Thora Birch (32)
LeToya Luckett (33)
Joel & Benji Madden (35)
Christopher Rice (36)
Eric the Midget (39)
Terrence Howard (45)
Lisa Loeb (46)
John Barrowman (47)
Alex Kingston (51)
Peter Berg (52)
Elias Koteas (53)
Nina Hartley (55)
The Lady Chablis (57)
Joey Buttafuoco (58)
Nina Hagen (59)
Bobby McFerrin (64)
Rupert Murdoch (83)
If two 8th graders who suffered severe brain and nerve damage from huffing freon out of their parents’ air conditioning units spent 10 minutes choreographing a dance to a John Legend song in a darkly lit garage for the junior high school talent show, they would still place higher than Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez. The thug princess who rules every deposition queefed out (and then deleted) two Instagram videos tonight which will make you cringe yourself inside/out. Justin’s garbage bag gauchos should be illegal in every state, but these videos of their “dancing” looks like scenes straight out of a low-budget, thrown together remake of Save The Last Dance for Disney Jr.
It’s like watching a chihuahua drag around his favorite stuffed chipmunk toy to hump on and I’m glad Justin Bieber didn’t get lipstick from that shit. And if this was a game where we had to guess what their beautiful and delicate interpretive dance is about, I’d guess it’s either about “the exact moment when gonorrhœa infects a vagina” or it’s about a butt plug that keeps slipping out of a baggy b-hole. It’s probably the latter. They’re romantic and artistic like that.