Even Candace Cameron Bure read that headline and went “Shoot girl, are you ever allowed out of the house? Blink once for yes and twice for HELP A BITCH ESCAPE!”
Shakira gave an interview to Billboard where she talks about having to ask her husband, Gerard Piqué, for permission to shoot that fake gayelle tourism video with Rihanna. That alone was enough for my eyes to hyperspeed into a cut-eye that said ‘Excuse you and excuse your permission-asking bullshit.’ But then she hit the gas hard and plowed right into an International Women’s Day parade:
“He’s very territorial, and since he no longer lets me do videos with men, well, I have to do them with women,” she says with a laugh. “It’s more than implied in our relationship that I can’t do videos like I used to. It’s out of the question – which I like, by the way. I like that he protects his turf and he values me, in a way that the only person that he would ever let graze my thigh would be Rihanna.”
She’s not allowed to even think about filming a music video with another man? Shit, dickmatized doesn’t even come close to describing Shakira’s relationship with her husband; it’s more like dickmatrapped. Adam Levine, Usher, and Blake Shelton need to stop whatever they’re doing (humping a lingerie model, putting Bieber down for a nap, hiding in the garage from Miranda Lambert) and force Shakira to watch Sleeping with the Enemy and The Stranger Beside Me, followed by singing I’m Every Woman into their hair brushes.
And speaking of Adam Levine; Shakira’s husband can’t be that territorial if he’s letting her sit next to the King of the Man Sluts on The Voice. Or maybe he’s made peace with the fact that Adam’s hoo-hoo hungry dick is able to hunt down snatch like the Predator and there’s nothing he can do about it.
And I know I should clarify, because everything about ABC’s The Bachelor is the worst; except for Molly the dog, who should be given all the roses, Milk Bones, and the stuffed animal of her choice to hump on (she was the greatest thing to ever happen to this messy train wreck). But according to E! Online, Juan “Eees Okae” Pablo is the worst-worst. Wait a second…a guy who ditched his daughter to dry hump a dozen drunk randos in a hot tub turned out to be a jerk? You don’t say!
“Everyone on the show is just so over him and cannot wait for this season to be over,” a source connected with the dating competition series told us.
The insider added that producers and crew members have never been so ready for a season of the Bachelor to end. ”It has not been anyone’s favorite, that’s for sure.”
A second source dished to us that people working on the program have been saying that “he’s the worst bachelor ever.”
Well shucks, that seems awful mean. I wonder why people don’t like Juan Pablo? Let’s see…gay people probably don’t like him because he said they’re all a bunch of dick-hungry sluts. He pissed off a lot of people when he made an R-word joke and then refused to apologize for it. He says he’s a Venezuelan soccer star, but he hasn’t actually played professionally since 2008. He’s pretty much unemployed and still lives at home with his parents. Oh, and he slut shamed a chick he fucked in the ocean.
That’s all we’ve got for now, but it’s still early, so let’s cover all our bases and say he also parks in the handicap spots at the mall, cheats on his taxes, and only tips 6% at Olive Garden. HOW DARE YOU, JUAN PABLO! Those breadsticks deserve at least 15%!!
Anna and Lucy DeCinque, the delicate and freshly bloomed twin Australian sunflowers who spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on plastic surgery to look totally identical and share everything including a man. Double the beauty, double the glamour, double the elegance, double the aaaaaaah!
28-year-olds Anna and Lucy from Perth, Australia were born just one minute apart and ever since they were pulled out of their mother’s body they’ve been inseparable and barely leave each other’s side. They have always worn matching outfits and when they got older, they got matching silicone titty domes, shellacked slug lips, plastic spider leg lashes and exquisitely tattooed eyebrows. According to The Daily Mail and the NY Post, they spent more than $200,000 to look like two cholita Real Dolls manufactured specifically for the dude who doesn’t want his Real Doll to look too real. The plastic surgery artiste who worked on them should obviously get several Nobel Peace Prizes for recreating this kind of beauty twice!
This is what Anna and Lucy looked like 9 years ago before they got the 2-for-1 special and completely transformed themselves into Bratz’s answer to The Barbi Twins.
That picture = If Nikki McKibbin got artificially inseminated with eggs fertilized by the Saw puppet’s sperm, which equals chola raver glamour times two.
Besides sharing the same face and Tupperware bowl titties, the beauty school dropouts share the same bed in their mother’s house, the same job, the same paycheck and they even share a boyfriend and when one’s rubbing her latex body on him, the other one watches.
“We’re dating one boy at the moment. There are three people in our relationship. We’re sharing. It’s not really weird to us. We have one boyfriend and all three of us share the same bed. For guys, in their hearts and dreams, they want two girlfriends. We have the same taste in everything, so obviously we’re going to like the same boy too. We’re all together when we have sex, and if we like the same guy, so be it. Every date had to be a double date. It’s always double or nothing.”
You really can’t say you’re close to your sister until you’ve seen her rubber sheet skin melt while humping on your shared boyfriend in your shared bed. That is the real definition of sisterly bonding. Or maybe that’s the real definition of sisterly nightmares? I get the two confused sometimes.
Anna and Lucy also share the reincarnated heart of Mother Theresa, because they work at an elderly care facility where they serve meals to memaws and pepaws who are grateful to be surrounded by two stunning double rainbows. Here’s an interview with them from a couple of years ago:
Call them crazy, call them the plot for James Wan’s next movie, but honestly, we should all be so lucky to have a sibling who shares our love for looking like a plastic flower in the Garden of Snooki and who appreciates elegant ensembles previously worn by 90s pussy peddlers. Pure gorgeousness squared!
Aidan Quinn (55)
Kat Von D (32)
Nick Zano (36)
James Van Der Beek (37)
Freddie Prinze Jr. (38)
Hines Ward (38)
Boris Kodjoe (41)
Kathy Ireland (51)
Camryn Manheim (53)
Lester Holt (55)
Gary Numan (56)
Carole Bayer Sager (67)
Micky Dolenz (69)
I think we’ve finally found the rabid hairy beast mother that gave birth to John Travolta’s tortured and angry wig, and it’s sleeping on Sean Penn’s head. Back away slowly and don’t make any sudden moves…. – Lainey Gossip
This True Detective parody is TOO real. Who ever does the subtitles for Here Comes Honey Boo Boo should supplement their income by doing the subtitles for True Detective, because the mumbled crap that comes out of their mouths making my ears spit out a “huh?” – The Berry
If you woke up today wondering if Kate Gosselin is still the worst, here’s your answer – Celebitchy
Imogen Poots looks like she was viciously attacked by nursery curtains - Drunken Stepfather
I’m pretty sure Amish strippers wear less clothes than MiserAlba did while playing a stripper in Sin City: A Dame To Kill For – The Superficial
Khlozilla bought Justin Bieber’s house and try not to look surprised when Pimp Mama Kris pulls one of his used cum rags out of the trash and uses it to knock up the Jenner girl that isn’t Kendall – Reality Tea
But why is Sarah Jessica Parker dressed like a 4-year-old girl wearing a dress her grandma made her over her ballet leotard? – IDLYITW
Class (and ass) is in session! Professor RuPaul teaches the Pit Crew how to sissy that walk – Towleroad
Victoria Silvstedt does the sugar daddy mating dance on the beach – Hollywood Tuna
Jennifer Lawrence’s best friend wrote a piece about what it was like being Jennifer Lawrence’s Oscar date and my only takeaway from it is: this is obviously some viral marketing for MySpace – Pajiba
“I’ll let you ride me” said a bunch of pervs to Mena Suvari while she wore a horseback riding outfit that I don’t think is meant to be a horseback riding outfit – Popoholic
Weight Watchers got their money’s worth two years later… – ICYDK
Russell Tovey’s ass kind of looks like Christina Hendricks’ chichis – OMG Blog
Katie Holmes is going back to TV - Just Jared
Karlie Kloss‘ understudy went to the gym and somewhere Karlie Kloss is asking herself, “Where did my ugly stars and strips sweater go?” - Moe Jackson
That’s an interesting looking dental dam that Michelle Rodriguez is wearing – Celebslam
Kristen Bell really isn’t fucking around with that #NoKidsPolicy thing – Boy Culture
via Reuters (Thanks N!)
Whispers From The Junior High School Cafeteria: Justin Bieber And Selena Gomez Are Hanging Out Again
Selena Gomez was recently in rehab for her addiction to booze, the good shit, Ambien and Justin Bieber, and while she was in there her family should’ve handcuffed her to a sturdy bed and brought in a Catholic priest to bust an exorcism on her. Because if you’re “addicted” to that Sizzurp-filled boil, then it’s obvious some dark-sided shit is possessing your body. Or you’re just dumber than a dried dingle clinging to a dog’s hairy ass. Well, whatever the case may be, Selena can’t stop getting her fix of the worst kind of bad shit. TMZ posted this picture of Selena and the swaggy Kid Sister doll coming out of a restaurant in McAllen, TX today after having breakfast together. It was like old times again when Selena had to change the Biebs Pampers in the bathroom after he made an oopsie poopy from eating too many chocolate chip pancakes.
TMZ says that after breakfast, Selena and the Biebs went to Starbucks and then to a perfumeria where he bought Obsession by Calvin Klein and Pour Homme by Givenchy. Selena is in Texas for a show on Saturday night and TMZ says that the Biebs has no other reason to be there, so he probably flew in just for her.
Yesterday, Justin Bieber was in Miami for a deposition in a civil suit filed by a pap who claims to have gotten whooped by one his bodyguards, and apparently he threw another hissy fit and left the room when lawyers started asking questions about Selena Gomez. So the emotions are still raw and nobody can burp the Biebs like Selena can. You know, a lot of hos say that Selena Gomez can do better, but after reading that she went to la perfumeria with him and allowed him to buy Obsession by CK in the year 2014, it’s obvious to me that she’s as much of a gross monster as he is. They deserve each other!
When I was in the 7th grade, I would sit at the cafeteria table gossiping with my cholita friends about the on-and-off relationship of two brats we hated. And here I am decades later, gossiping about the one-and-off relationship of two 13-year-olds (on the inside). I’ve really evolved as a human being.
Amber Heard was honored
for dating Johnny Depp at the Texas Film Awards (How many the fuck film awards do we need?) in Austin last night and she brought along the spirit of an old timey chimney sweeper trapped in the body of her fiancé Johnny Depp. Pussy so good it’s got Johnny Depp wearing a sad, deflated, burnt, unflavored soufflé on his head. They both look like every definition of mess. It’s like they were making their way to that shit when they got mugged and the thief stole all their clothes too, so they had to run into a community theater costume closet and wear whatever was in there.
Amber’s dress looks exactly like the shawl my abuelita draped over her praying table. If my abuelita saw Amber, she’d bend over her over, put Santo Nino jar candles from Rite Aid on her back and pray to Hay-Soos Christo for Johnny Deep to stop fighting the hot already. Johnny Deep isn’t only fighting the hot, he’s also fighting a visit to the dentist. He looks like he ate a chewing tobacco and caca sandwich and washed it down with Sochi tap water. Amber should put that huge diamond engagement ring to good use and use it scrape all the layers of shit off of Johnny’s teeth. Help your ho out, Amber!
Lindsay Lohan was on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon last night to promote her reality show masquerading as a serious documentary Lindsay: I’m Just Doing This For The Check and she says she’s really spiritual right now (read: gets all her coke blessed), is ready for a Mean Girls reunion and spoke like a true reality trick when she said that of course the producers picked the messiest time in her life to film her. After she dribbled out the same ole’ same ole’, Jimmy and LiLo sat down for a game of water war, where they threw cups of water at each other’s faces for 4 minutes. Some of you probably figured that one day you’d see a video of LiLo getting splashed in the face over and over again, but this is not what you were thinking of. And I know what’s really going on here. This is the health department and Jimmy Fallon’s ingenious way to get LiLo to take a shower. Well played, health department.
Never have I wanted more than to jack up the Whitney, dramatically reach through the screen of my laptop and rip that poor, defenseless Hand of Adonis dildo out of Miley Cyrus’s arms. That dildo can’t talk, but I bet if it could, it wouldn’t be able to because it’s suffering severe PTSD (post traumatic snatch disorder). Only Miley could tweet a picture of herself holding a dildo and turn it into a hostage situation.
But honestly, even if we rescued it right now, that dildo is a goner. If her tongue is any indication of what’s going on downstairs, I think it would be safe to assume that the open sewer grate she’s working with between her legs would dissolve most things it comes in contact with. So pray for dildo’s merciful death. And light all your best prayer candles for me, because I just imagined Miley shoving Powder’s severed arm up her chipmunk chocha and I started projectile vomiting like Regan McNeil in The Exorcist.
Because I’m not totally evil, I’d never leave you with the awful mental picture of Miley crotch-slamming a ghost hand, so please accept this palate cleanser in the form of Miley’s Marc Jacobs spring/summer 2014 campaign. Every high fashion photo shoot tells a story, and this is apparently the story of three sad sullen teenage sea hags who washed up on a Florida shore and immediately got busted for shoplifting pregnancy tests from Publix, but were later released because one of the police officers is a big Boy Meets World fan and thought Miley was Stuart Minkus.