That bro throwing a “Wassup?” face is really what makes this picture a portrait of true royal romance.
Cressida Boners (which is also a condition Toyota fanboys suffer from when they go to the Detroit Auto Show) and Prince Hot Ginge made their first public appearance together at the inaugural WE Day UK at Wembley Arena in London today, and she took advantage of their time in public to kiss his cheek in front of the photographers. Cressida Boners has been at the forefront of the highly important Bring Back The Scrunchie Movement, so I want to like her, but she’s making it really hard. I just can’t trust a trick who doesn’t immediately give birth to four oceans of panty pudding when her lips touch any part of PHG. I’ve been refreshing the BBC’s site all morning and I don’t see any reports of panty pudding flooding at Wembley Arena, so it seems like Cressida didn’t have a natural reaction to cheek kissing PHG. When a chick kisses PHG, her coochie should be barfing like a Lard-Ass at a pie-eating contest. That is a normal reaction! The hell is wrong with her? She’s either a robot made of metal parts or she’s wearing a 10-gallon Diva Cup to make sure her panty pudding doesn’t squirt everywhere.
Cressida and PHG making their FIRST PUBLIC APPEARANCE AS A COUPLE!!! means that my hope of seeing permanently hungover mess Chelsy Davy as a British princess is probably not going to happen. Cressida Boners doesn’t have that gorgeous “just woke up in a puddle of her drunk barf on the floor of a pub bathroom” look that Chelsy does, but PHG could do worse. At least he’s not dating that orange Styrofoam peanut Pippa Middleton.
And no, that picture does not make me want to sharpen my shake. I’m not jealous of that tramp at all! If you replaced Cressida with me, PHG with my Ashton Drake Prince Harry Doll and all those people with the wrappers of the Snickers I eat to drown my feelings, you’d have my Saturday night.
The reason it smells like hot shrimp diapers on the West Coast this morning is because Kesha’s back in Los Angeles today after spending two months battling an eating disorder at the Timberline Knolls treatment facility in Illinois. And unlike some people we know, Kesha actually looks like she got along well with rehab. Glitter manufacturers everywhere are wiping away reflective tears of joy and firing up the glitter cannons because their queen has returned!
But the most obvious proof Kesha is doing better? She’s dropped that dumbs dollar sign from her name! I like to imagine one of her councillors sat her down and was like “Look, we’ll get to the eating disorder shit in a second, but first we need to talk about spelling your name with a dollar sign. It looks like your birth certificate was filled out by a halitosis-covered gold grill in the parking lot of a swap meet.” So now she’s Kesha-no-dollar-sign, and the first thing she tweeted to her fans from her new Twitter handle didn’t sound like an bath salts-snorting mess of used baby wipes (it’s amazing what dropping that $ from your name can do to raise your intelligence level):
Happy to be back! Feeling healthy & working on tons of new music. I can’t thank my fans enough for all the love & support u have given me
Obviously I have no idea if Kesha actually wrote something that eloquent or if she just put on a pair of glasses like Tracy Jordan does when he’s pretending to be smart and dictated the Tweet to her assistant, who then translated her gibberish Raver Nell speak into what we see here. But she’s fresh out of rehab, so let’s give this pastel freon-huffing fraggle the benefit of the doubt.
In between tripping down the red carpet, riffing to the audience at the Academy Awards, and stuffing her face full of pizza, Jennifer Lawrence appeared to be going for a new personal best in regards to convincing us that even though she’s at the Oscars, she’s still just a frumpy food-hongray bridge troll who snuck into Hollywood and keeps it rill by ripping farts in her Dior dress. However, some people thought she might be laying in on a little thick, one of which being Jesus’s druggy fuckup brother Jared Leto, who all but dramatically screamed “STUNT QUEEEEEEN!” when asked by Access Hollywood about J-Law:
Shortly before presenting an award, Lawrence looked into the crowd and said, “Why are you laughing? What, is this funny? I’m still watching you!”
And it seems as though Leto, and his family, were to blame for the distraction just moments after she walked out onto the stage.
“She said, ‘What are you laughing at?’ But what she didn’t know was that Ellen [DeGeneres] was on the side…making, pantomiming [motions like], ‘Don’t fall, don’t fall!’, and my mom and brother are all cracking up,” he revealed.
“I guess we don’t have manners. You can take them out of Louisiana, but you can’t take the Louisiana out of them, right?”
That would be enough evidence for the government to make you mysteriously disappear. But I guess Jared keeps it more real than J-Law and doesn’t give a fuck about taking America’s Sweetheart’s name in vain, because he then said this:
The Dallas Buyers Club actor jokingly dissed J.Law when asked what he thought about her latest falling incident:
“You know, I’m starting to wonder if this is a bit of an act.”
And immediately after the last word left his lips, a cloth bag was thrown over Jared’s head and he was ushered away into protective custody, where he’ll live out the rest of his life as a pharmacy assistant at a New Mexico Walgreens under the assumed name of Darren Sbarro.
Interior designer, NYC socialite and exquisite Manhattan rose Gail Maidman, and her hot Stephen Sondheim face dress!
The name Gail Maidman (Side note: If I ever open up a cleaning service, I’ll call it Gay Maid Man) has never touched my eyes before yesterday when I was scrolling through pictures from the opening night of the New York Philharmonic’s Sweeney Todd starring Emma Thompson. My retinas got moist over her Kim Novak-like face, her Pete Burns lips and more importantly her gorgeous Stephen Sondheim dress. Gail has worn her exquisitely made shrine to Sondheim cocktail dress to a few events, but she should really wear it everywhere. Everyone should know what it feels like to have dozens of shiny Stephen Sondheim faces staring you down.
If Buffalo Bill was obsessed with musical theater and wanted to wear Stephen Sondheim’s skin as an outfit, but was totally grossed out by killing and skinning and stuff, he’d make and wear that dress.
The question I will ask myself all day is: Why isn’t this Stephen Sondheim stalker wallpaper fabric the only fabric that Jo-Ann Fabrics carries?!
Bryan Cranston (58)
Abigail and Brittany Hensel (24)
Laura Prepon (34)
Jenna Fischer (40)
Peter Sarsgaard (43)
Matthew Vaughn (43)
Rachel Weisz (44)
Cameron Daddo (49)
Bret Easton Ellis (50)
Wanda Sykes (50)
Taylor Dane (52)
Donna Murphy (55)
Iris Chacón (64)
John Heard (69)
Michael Eisner (72)
Willard Scott (80)
Another day, another Jackson family situation that’s as puzzling as Jermaine Jackson’s fringed edges.
A bizarre press conference was held today to announce that DNA results show that there’s a 99.9% chance that 31-year-old pop singer type Brandon Howard was made from Michael Jackson’s sperm fish. There’s also a 99.9% chance that you blankly stared at that last sentence before letting out a single “oh.” You will hold a press conference tomorrow to announce this development.
Brandon Howard’s mom is gospel singer Miki Howard and she was friendly with Michael Jackson and was managed by Joe Jackson. Miki Howard used to go by the nickname “Billy” and Brandon Howard was born a year before “Billie Jean” came out, so some hos think the song is about her.
TMZ says that some dude named Alki David, who owns some site called FilmOn.com, held the press conference today and he’s the one who ordered the DNA test. Alki David got Michael Jackson’s DNA from one of MJ’s old retainers he bought at an auction. Sounds legit! To add another layer of sleazy, greasy shadiness to this giant pool of sleazy, greasy shadiness, sad fame whore Corey Feldman was at the press conference. Corey told the reporters that Brandon is the spitting image of MJ. Oh, Corey, once again proving the lies a total mess will tell for a few drink tickets and a carton of cigs.
But Brandon Howard apparently wants nothing to do with this scheme. Brandon released this statement:
To my fans, family, and friends, despite recent allegations, I did not authorize the testing of my DNA to be compared to that of the late Michael Jackson nor did I contact TMZ regarding the publication of the story.
This spring, I agreed to be a part of a documentary with FilmOn.TV and was asked to give a sample of my DNA. Even though I agreed to this I never expected it to be used in this manner.
To this day, I have never claimed to be Michael Jackson’s son nor do I have any intention of pursuing the family’s estate.
Let’s recap. Michael Jackson supposedly had bareback sex with a woman. Brandon Howard gave his DNA to an almost-stranger for whatever reason. DNA was scraped off of a nasty, disgusting, old, used retainer that may or may not have spent time in Michael Jackson’s mouth. If I add all that up and press equal, I get the answer: bullfuckingshit.
I won’t believe it until Maury announces it, Detective La Toya tells me it’s so and Brandon Howard proves that he’s really a Jackson by doing what the Jacksons do best: sue a bitch for ridiculous amounts of money.
Although, after watching Brandon Howard’s video, I do get slight shades of MJ….
That kid is probably Joe Jackson’s son and that’s probably the meanest thing I’ve ever said about anyone.
Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel talked to a childbirth expert about birthing options, so either she’s come down with a case of the babies or she’s thinking about coming down with a case of the babies. I’m going to guess it’s the latter, because if she was knocked up she would’ve already announced it by running across the Oscar stage while screaming that she’s knocked up with Justin Timberlake’s baby. She’s subtle like that - Lainey Gossip
These pictures are lies and fallacies! Nicki Minaj is not a human, she is a Jim Henson creation made out of Muppet fur and wax. It took several prosthetic artists to transform her from her natural state (Muppet) into a human state for these pictures, obviously - Drunken Stepfather
Kelsey Grammer’s wife is pregnant with an extra zero on future child support checks – Celebitchy
Teresa Guidice is really coming up with new ways to make sure that her daughters are fucked up for life – The Superficial
On May 24th, France will declare on the US and we’ll deserve it. Calling it now – Reality Tea
I’m looking at this picture of that disgusting yet delicious milk and cookies shot and the only thing I’m thinking of is Bernie Mac saying, “Milk and cooooooooookeeeeees” – Towleroad
Is this a long-lost scene from Planet Earth? – IDLYITW
Either it was a seriously slow day on the ho stroll or the paparazzi once again thought that was Leighton Meester – Hollywood Tuna
Martha Stewart doesn’t know that the dildo is the ultimate good thing – Jezebel
What in the name of a runaway teenager hooker circa 1996 is Katy Perry wearing? – Popoholic
In shocking news, Pamela Anderson is still married to Rick Salomon – ICYDK
“You’re not going to fuck up my look like you fucked up your husband’s look, are you?” – that elephant – The Berry
Vintage Lenny and Zoe Kravitz – HuffPo
Jehovah’s Sexiest Witness will gladly dump your piece for you – OMG Blog
But Ireland Baldwin is still in love and going strong with her true soulmate Instagram – Just Jared
Leighton Meester’s engagement ring: here it is – Popsugar
Shailene Woodley needs to fall at least one time at the Oscars and flip off at least one reporter before I contemplate the answer to that first question – Moe Jackson
Isaiah Washington is going back to Grey’s Anatomy for a minute – SOW
And in that picture, she looks like she’s either relieving the tension in her b-hole or relieving the tension in her vagine, or a little of both.
Jennifer Lawrence didn’t really seem to play the game this award season and she wasn’t out there campaigning hard. She was a no-show at a few award shows and she wasn’t pasting posters all over town that read: Keep It Rill: Vote 4 Jen! I read somewhere that she didn’t want voters to get sick of her and was kind of playing hard to get. But Radar says that Jennifer Lawrence really didn’t want to wrap her hands around her second Oscar, because she was afraid that if she won she’d go from being America’s Favorite Best Friend to being the name that can make a million hos dry heave at the same time. Bitch was afraid she’d be the new Anne Hathaway. So when Lupita Nyongo’s name was announced instead of hers, she queefed out four waves of relief. Radar’s source (Hi, Jennifer Lawrence’s publicist!) put it like this:
“Jennifer said she was so relieved she didn’t win because she didn’t want to go through what Anne Hathaway experienced. She’s very aware that the backlash is already coming anyway. And it wasn’t in a mean way, she was sort of joking because her and Anne are actually friends. But she just knew that if she won the Oscar again it’d be like a target on her back. en was just so happy she didn’t have to do any of the press. She just wanted to drink and celebrate!”
I kind of believe it, because when Lupita won, I could almost feel Jennifer Lawrence exhale. Or maybe that was my liver collapsing from drinking 4 liters of whiskey to get through that circle jerk of foolery. If this is true, it’s kind of funny. There’s Jennifer Lawrence saying to herself, “Please don’t say Jennifer Lawrence. Please don’t say Jennifer Lawrence…,” while they were announcing the winner of her category and later that night Leonardo DiCaprio was saying to himself, “Please say Leonardo DiCaprio. Please say Leonardo DiCaprio,” during his category. Hell, he probably said that the entire night, because he’d take an Oscar for anything at this point.
Leonardo DiCaprio would sex up a non-model over the age of 25 if it meant getting an Oscar. That’s how bad he wants one. And Jennifer Lawrence is wishing one away! I speak for Leonardo DiCaprio when I say: “Fuck you, Jennifer Lawrence! Fuck you! Oh, and can I hold your Oscar for a minute. Can I have a weekend with it? I’ll have it cleaned before I return it. Pleeeease.“
I feel like we’re only a matter of time from a primetime gameshow called “Who’s Lupita Nyong’o Dating?” because everyone and their mom NEEDS TO KNOW who the Oscar winner is letting take her to Red Lobster (not a euphemism; actually meant Red Lobster). Personally, I’m just relieved she’s no longer linked to HPV Hipster Emo Jesus Jared Leto.
According to the Daily Mail, rumours started to swirl around Lupita and Somali-Canadian rapper K’naan (government name: doesn’t matter, all I can think about is dipping naan bread into butter chicken sauce) after K’naan was seen holding Lupita’s Oscar and hugging her outside of the Live! with Kelly and Michael studio. K’naan also Instagrammed a picture of the two of them in December but it’s just their teeth, so that could mean they’re dating or just that they’re in some Dental Appreciation Club. But I’m going to choose to believe they’re dating because as far as Canadian rappers go, Lupita picked a good one. The heirachy is as follows:
J-Roc from Trailer Park Boys
Tom Green that time he had a rap career
And if you’re into a dude who can get you day-old donuts at the end of his shift at Tim Hortons, Snow
I like these two together; the nerd in me enjoys that “Nyong’o K’naan” sounds like the name of an over-it Klingon waitress from the nice Sizzler on Rigel V. Mazel you two! Mazel for as long as it takes before someone catches Lupita high-fiving Jake Gyllenhaal or photo-bombing Adam Driver, and K’naan is given the boot from “Who’s Lupita Nyong’o Dating?” (so…what do we think? About 24-hours?)
Prince Hot Ginge continued to do God’s work today at a volleyball game during the launch of the Invictus Wounded Warriors Games in London and the “God’s work” I’m specifically referring to is him giving us beautiful images like this that were made to spend time with my Photoshop. He looks like a ginger roly-poly and it’s glorious. That picture makes me to risk bursting into flames (“But you’re already flaming” – you) by going into a church, so I can say a thankful prayer to the parents of the Knolls’ Brothers’ for creating the creators of Photoshop.
There’s really nothing more to say here. I have work to do. Legs up, ass out, goodnight.