ABC News says that on Tuesday morning in a court room in New Jersey, the grifting beasts that are Teresa and Joe Giudice of The Real Housewives of New Jersey will both plead guilty to fraud. Juicy and Teresa probably know they’re fucked every which way, because they agreed to a plea deal with the U.S. Attorney’s office. The sad news is that Teresa will probably not live out the real version of Orange is the New Black (her prison name would’ve been HalfHead), because there’s a chance she’ll serve little to no jail time. Lady prisoners won’t get to taste Teresa’s homemade lasagna made out of government cheese and saltines, and cooked on a radiator.
Back in July, Juicy Joe and Teresa were charged with 41 counts of fraud for defrauding lenders, illegally obtaining mortgages, falsifying documents and all sorts of other shady shit. They were both facing up to half a century in prison. But that’s not going to happen if the judge accepts the plea deal on Tuesday. Teresa will plead guilty to four charges. ABC News says that Teresa faces up to two years in prison, but InTouch Weekly says that she’s only looking at 5 years probation max. Juicy Joe will get a minimum of 5 years in prison and they’ll have to pay $11 million in restitution. InTouch says that Juicy Joe, who’s not a US citizen, won’t be kicked back to Italy, but ABC News says US immigration officials haven’t made a decision yet. They’ll decide after Juicy Joe is convicted and sentenced.
As much as I wanted to see Teresa accessorize an orange jumpsuit with rhinestone buttons and a gold ribbon belt, I didn’t think she’d get any prison time. No judge is cruel enough to force criminals to share a confined space with that crazy, soul-killing bitch. But how in the hell are they going to pay that $11 million, because you know they aren’t going to sell that gaudy mansion. We should all brace ourselves, because Teresa is going to whore her whole family out like she’s never whored them out before. Or she’s going to dump Juicy Joe and use her feminine beast wiles to snag a richer chimp.