Board up your doors and lock up your Werthers; a zombie papaw walks among us and if you live in the Lexington, MS area, he could be coming for you and/or your La-Z-Boy recliner next! In a story ripped straight from my non-Kardashian nightmares, Radar brings us the spooky take of Walter “Snowball” Williams, a man who woke up in his own body bag in the morgue. Please tell me I’m not the only one who just got the panicky claustrophobia sweats.
On Wednesday night, a coroner declared 78-year-old Snowball Williams legally dead after showing no signs of a pulse. He was then zipped up in a body bag and shipped off to Porter and Sons Funeral Home where he would be embalmed the following morning. I guess Snowball Williams still had some canasta to play or a hot date with a sexy quilter, because he came back to life and started kicking at the inside of his body bag in an attempt to escape. He was discovered alive and awake the next morning by funeral home employees, who no doubt had to run home and change after shitting their pants out of fear.
At first the coroner’s explanation for Snowball’s return (that’s the name of the zombie movie based on this story) was that it was a miracle. But since this isn’t 1873, the coroner later did some research and amended his story to include Snowball’s glitchy pacemaker. Let this be a lesson to all of us; never buy your pacemaker from a place like Dr. Discount’s Medical Supply Outlet, or you’ll wind up screaming “No!! I’m not dead! My $19 pacemaker fucked up again!” as you try to kick your way out of your own body bag.